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I’m broken hearted…again

I am so incredibly sad and defeated right now.

I’ve been following the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) since the beginning of April, and it advises that you keep up with some gross stuff during your cycle to figure out when you’re most likely fertile. Because I want a baby so bad, I will do almost anything. All of my signs pointed to me ovulating late last week or this weekend. (Except my temperature, which I understand can be pretty crazy before O.)

Yesterday afternoon (after school) I went to the bathroom and was a bit surprised to see that I’d gotten my period–again–a full 10 days before I thought I would. Fantastic.

I called the on-call nurse with my doctor’s office to find out if I should continue taking the Prometrium, and she said to keep taking it as the doctor prescribed through the weekend and see how I was and then call on Monday. I feel like I’m not important since I’m not an obstetric patient. I cried and cried last night, and this morning I don’t feel much better, honestly.

I know that I’m taking a medication that is supposed to help me have a period, but I didn’t think that would happen until AFTER I’d finished taking the medication. I thought that maybe I’d ovulate while taking the medicine and then the period would be nonexistant because I’d get pregnant and this TTC nightmare would be over before it even really began. Nope, not this time.

I am so upset about this. I feel absolutely broken and like I have no control over my own body. I realize that I actually have relatively little control over when and what my body decides to do to me, but this feeling is really stressing me out. Stress is not good for NOT having a period. I’m just terrified that something that I’ve wanted for so long is completely out of my reach. I am terrified that I will never have children.

DH and I are not wealthy people; we both have good salaries, but there’s not much room in our budget for dropping gobs of money on IF treatments. I have dreamed of being a mother my entire life, ever since I was little and I’d play with my baby dolls, and the idea of never having that makes me so incredibly sad. I am also afraid that I don’t have the willpower to stick this out. I’m scared that I will get so discouraged that it will never happen just because I stop believing that it will.

You can take from every experience what it has to offer you. And you cannot be defeated if you just keep taking one breath followed by another.–Oprah

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.–Theodore Roosevelt

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