When it comes to interactions with others, I’ve realized that sometimes people just aren’t making the cut anymore and you have to let them go.
Things, too, but mostly people.
It’s hard, but sometimes there’s no other way. It has to happen. When people (or things) take more out of my life than they put in it, they aren’t making the cut and they don’t get to stay.
I’m not sure when I started making these cuts. I’m never dramatic about it. I prefer the gradual drift-apart where you just respond less and less and then suddenly it’s been months since you talked. But it’s on purpose and you know it. Maybe the other person doesn’t. Maybe that’s wrong.
Maybe when we start making cuts we need to say “hey, so, we’re not really going to be friends anymore. FYI.” but that seems unnecessarily hurtful. The slow drift is best.
It’s a survival thing, I think. When you spend a lot of your life on your own and taking care of yourself by yourself, you have to make judgment calls about where you expend your energies, and if you’re expending your energies by filling other people up, all you’re doing is draining your own tanks.
I’ve lamented how few friends I have where we live and how difficult it is, at 31 years old, to make new ones, but I think what I’m realizing is that my tolerance for the people who take more than they give is just really low. I don’t have enough extra time in my day to spend what I do have trying to build a relationship by myself.
Relationships are two-way streets, and while there won’t always be a 50/50 balance with the ins and outs of our relationships, they can get really lopsided if we let them. So we can’t let them. If we can’t course-correct, it’s time to find a new course.
But I think that’s what life is supposed to be. It’s an ebb and flow of people and experiences brought into our lives to be there for what we need in that moment. A lesson or an ear to listen or maybe we get lucky and the friendship sticks.
It’s okay to drop the dead weight in your life. It’s okay to excise those who aren’t making the cut anymore.
That just makes more room for those who are.
Jaime
Sunday 24th of November 2013
I feel like finding friends in your 30s is just as awkward and uncomfortable as it is dating in your 30s. I get just as nervous in both scenarios. I've "dropped" a lot of friendships I outgrew and have been trying to fill their spaces. Good reminder for me to focus on quality instead of quantity.
The Many Thoughts of a Reader
Sunday 24th of November 2013
Yeah, ya know I only really have one close female friend near me but I've come to realize I'm okay with that. I have enough acquaintances to randomly see people but I'm good on my own. And the Internet. The Internet that I filter to my needs.
Jess R
Sunday 24th of November 2013
Gosh I love this post!!! I hope to some day live close enough for us to see each other!
Jennifer @ Also Known As...the Wife
Saturday 23rd of November 2013
I go through phases where I feel lonely for the lack of friends I have in the immediate area, especially female friends with children. I have a hard time trying to get friendly with the moms at the playground because I don't know if I really want to invest my time with them...I basically want their kids to play with my kids. It sounds awful but I guess I at least know what the issue is.