Flotsam

Look, I’m basically exhausted because March is Birthdaypalooza, I’m averaging 4.5 hours of sleep a night, my children decide to wake up before the crack of dawn every morning and I’m about to embark on three four-hour car trips in the next 10 days. What that means is that this post, long overdue, btw, is coming from a place of not-quite-pulled-together and is really just a bunch of random things I cannot purge from my brain.

AKA: Things I Don’t Understand and/or Which I Find Dumb. 

Let me be clear that absolutely NONE of these things are intended in any way to be offensive. That shouldn’t have to be said, but maybe someone will find talking about corsets offensive so there you go. People are nothing if not predictable and Being Offended is practically an art for some people.

So here we go.

Waist Training. I don’t understand this phenomenon of squishing in our ribcages and waists in order to make them look smaller because what that actually does is make our asses look bigger and I don’t know about y’all, but my Nutella and wine habits are doing that just fine.

But really. We burned our bras because they were constricting* and don’t even tell me you don’t do that shiver and “ahhhhhh” the minute you rip the thing off every day. A corset? HAHAHAHA.

No.

Why is this attractive? Can anyone explain? I understand if you’re dressing up in period attire and need to wear a corset for a dress or you’re into some sexy dress-up, but daily? As, like, part of your routine? Nope.

Pants. Why do pants have to be a thing? Can we just actually not?

(I may or may not also be feeling a little bloated at the moment in addition to all the tired in case you were curious.)

Zits Past 17. I am at least 82.4% certain that my face looks worse right now at 33 than it did at 17. That should be illegal. I don’t really want to dig up old photos of 17 year old me because I would probably weep at my lack of jowls and the crease between my eyebrows, but suffice it to say I should not have zits AND gray hairs.

Speaking of that…

Gray Hair. As it so happens, I do not actually love Nature’s Highlights, particularly because they’re not well-placed, sporadic, and don’t make me look nearly as amazing as Rogue. If I had her hair I wouldn’t complain, but no. I hold my hair up to brush/comb/dry shampoo it and I’m blinded by random glints of lighting off the grays which I swear I did not have until six months ago. YAY.

Bronchitis. It’s the definition of “worst” because you feel fine but you cough like a three-pack-a-day smoker AND pee yourself a little every time you do it. No bueno. Do not recommend. Thanks, Obama.

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*I know that isn’t why we burned our bras. That is, however, why I would like to burn mine. Bras that don’t fit are the worst.