Diary of Depression

Monday: Wow. These kids are live wires this morning. I know I just woke up but I really want to go back to sleep. Is it too soon to go back to sleep? Maybe I’ll feel better after yoga. I wish this gym had a different yoga class, or that there were some familiar faces in here or a familiar instructor. Do I really suck if I just go to sleep while Joshua plays video games? Yeah, that’s totally shitty parenting and I shouldn’t do it. I should be engaging him, talking to him. Making him read or do flashcards or something. Not just plugging him into a tv. He’ll be back at school tomorrow and then I’ll take a nap. 

Tuesday (morning): Ugh. We overslept. Why can’t I just get out of bed when the alarm goes off in the morning? Why do I lay there and think that I won’t fall back to sleep? I do this all the time and at some point it’s like I’d learn that’s a dumb thing I’m doing and stop doing it. Where did all this traffic…oh right. First day back to school. God, is everyone running late? What is this? Please don’t let Emma cling to me at school drop off this morning. I don’t know if my skin can handle it. Man, my head hurts. I should shower when I get to the house. Shower and put on clothes and makeup and dry my hair and then I’ll feel better. Nah, I think I’ll just take a nap.

Tuesday (evening): Why did I think it was a good idea to bring Emma to the gym and feed her dinner here? And why was I so stupid to think scheduling Joshua’s swim lesson for 5:30 was okay? Can this child seriously not just sit in a chair and eat some food? What in the world have I done to screw her up so greatly and why is she so maddeningly wild? And why are all these people staring at me? Why I can’t I control this child? Man, I really just want to go to sleep.

Wednesday: Did I shower on Monday? Yesterday? Why can’t I remember when I showered? Do I smell? I should probably put on a bra. Where is my bra? And how many days in a row have I worn this hoodie? Why is the sun so bright outside the window? It’s too bright, but if I close my eyes I’m going to fall asleep again. But my head hurts and maybe closing my eyes for a minute will help it go away. Maybe sleep won’t be such a bad thing. I’ll just sleep for half an hour and then go get the kids. Sleep is probably better for me than taking a shower.

Thursday: Wow. I got a decent night’s sleep last night and I actually feel okay this morning. For now. But these kids are shrieking and fighting and why do they have to do that? How do I get them to get along with each other and not fight all the time? I should probably write something. It’s been a while. I’m definitely going to shower today. If I do nothing else, I have to do that. I’ll do it after I get back from picking up the kids. Right now I’m going to lay here and do nothing.

Friday: I should text Dan and tell him that I need a reason to shower and do my hair and makeup this weekend. And wear a bra. Maybe that will get me out of this…whatever it is. I just need a solid reason to pull my shit together. Otherwise, I probably won’t.

People think depression is this deep sense of sadness. Mine is mostly a sense of abject failure. I can’t get the kids to behave. I’m probably not really welcome at this yoga class where I know no one and no one knows me but they all know or at least recognize each other but I’m the outsider and is that person staring at me? I can’t pull it together to put on a bra in the morning, much less shower regularly or do anything to make myself feel better, so I just throw on a hoodie, put my hair in a top knot, and tell myself it’s frumpy chic.

I’m just…empty.

It’s like being stuck in the Swamp of Sadness in The Neverending Story when Atreyu loses his horse because Artax just can’t muster up enough of a damn to get himself out of the mud. And it doesn’t matter that Atreyu is crying and hoping Artax will just get his horse shit together and climb out. Artax just…can’t.

Last week I just couldn’t. I could see that I needed to do something, anything, to break the rut and climb out of the mud, but I just couldn’t do anything except sleep.

I’m better now. I think. On the upswing, at least, but last week was really hard, for no reason I can determine. While the diary up there isn’t something I actually wrote last week, I definitely found myself just sort of stuck and feeling…nothing. That’s what depression is for me.

It’s nothing.

It’s not all the time, 24-7 nothingness in one of those periods. I’m not overwhelmingly unhappy. In fact, I laugh and experience joy and plenty of other positive human emotions, but there’s this nagging emptiness in the background, coupled with a desire to hibernate until it passes.

But life goes on and so do I and eventually the light in the windows is welcome instead of too bright.