There’s a video making the rounds on Facebook right now about a husband who’s about to go on the most important date of his life…but not with his wife! SCANDALOUS!
He gets all dressed up and a friend asks if he’s nervous.
“Yes!” he says, as he ties his tie. “It’s been a long time,” replies his friend.
Then he leaves the house, turns around and rings the bell, and his very excited daughter answers, ready for their date. The girl is adorable. They go have lots of fun together doing things like drinking milk out of princess cups and swinging and going for piggyback rides.
It’s cute. Really. It is. The girl is adorable and they seem to have a good time.
I might not make many friends with what I’m about to say, but I’m banking on that whole “if you say it, they will come” thing that happens when we say things that we know will probably enrage people but might also show us we’re not alone.
Dads, don’t date your daughters.
And this goes for moms, too, though there’s an odd disparity between the number of events aimed at mothers and sons versus those aimed at dads and daughters, and those aimed at mothers and sons are very rarely called “date nights.”
(There’s a whole commentary on why these daddy-daughter date night events exist to get dads to spend time with their daughters/sons and why they shouldn’t have to exist at all because it should just be a thing parents do, but that’s probably another inflammatory blog post for another day.)
It might be a special occasion or a treat when moms and dads take their children to the playground, or out for ice cream, or to the movies, but it’s not dating.
Why is there this thing where we talk about our relationships with our children in terms of our relationships with spouses and friends? Our relationships with our children are neither.
Dating implies there’s a romantic element to the relationship and, quite frankly, it’s weird to talk about dating our children. Go back to the example from that video where the dad talks about being nervous and it’s “been a long time” and tell me that’s anything other than awkward and weird, even if it was scripted.
But Miranda, you say, it’s just a word! You’re giving it meaning where there isn’t any!
No, I’m really not.
The common use of the verb “date” means courting, pursuing a relationship with someone you’re romantically or potentially sexually interested in. Think about that for a minute and let’s stop dating our children.
We can do better. We can choose different words and not frame our relationships with our children in romantic terms.
And while I’m probably offending people, all of the memes declaring ourselves the “first loves” of our opposite sex children are weird too.
Didn’t you read Oedipus Rex?
Am I the first person in my children’s lives who will love them? Who will show them what love is? Yes, probably, but the term “first love” implies schoolyard crushes and high school romance and Mommy and Daddy issues they’ll need to work out in therapy some day.
It also sort of sounds like we can’t let them grow up and experience the world on their own without us, and while that thought sort of rips my heart out, it has to happen.
I don’t want to be my son’s first love. Not like that. And I don’t want my husband to date our daughter.
Spending quality time with your kids isn’t dating. It’s just…spending quality time with your kids. It’s parenting. It’s the stuff we should be doing every day, even if it’s just reading together at night before bed, or sitting around the dinner table engaged in conversation instead of staring at our devices.
Instead of dating your daughter (or son), date your partner.
That’s probably better for your relationships in the long run anyway.
If you want to teach your daughter what to expect from the men she’ll one day find herself dating and possibly marrying, show her (and your sons) a strong relationship. Show her what a solid partnership looks like.
Show her what respect looks like by respecting her mother or the mother figures in her life and she’ll learn to respect herself and demand that from others.
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Show her what love looks like by loving her, certainly.
But don’t date your daughter.
Update/Response/Philosophical Waxing:
First of all, let me just say thank you for reading, even if you disagree with me and can’t wait to blast me in the comments (though I do hope that reading this update might help explain, at least in part, where I was coming from when I wrote this). I appreciate your being here and the conversation that has been sparked as a result of this piece.
I am not now nor have I ever been a crazy man-hating spinster lesbian bitch (or a wanker, I think) but I am sometimes crazy and sometimes bitchy. Occasionally the two overlap. (I’m even medicated! With a therapist!)
Prior to writing this post, it hadn’t occurred to me that others see and hear the verb date in terms of its less romantic definition, i.e. a social engagement. (The noun date means “a set place in time” or we’re talking about a fruit. Or maybe we have a Date Date and then things get really confusing.)
Yes, I was aware that the definition of date as a social engagement existed, but the connotation of the word date, to me, is a romantic engagement between to people who are dating, and I hadn’t realized just how infrequently I personally use the word “date” until the comments and discussions started rolling in.
I don’t say “I have a lunch date with my friend.” I say “I’m going to lunch with so-and-so.” That is not to say that others shouldn’t say that because I don’t say that, or that any of us is right or wrong because we do or don’t say date. It’s just…different.
But the word “date” wasn’t so much the thing that bothered me about the original video and which word to use wasn’t the point I was trying to make. Somewhere along the way, things got confused, so I’d like to take a second to try to clear up what my message was supposed to be.
I want parents to spend time one on one with their children, of both the same and opposite sex. It’s good. It’s healthy. Spending time with our children is vital to their development and our relationships with them.
Here, where I live, there are no “mother-son date nights.” You will never see a restaurant or event facility advertise a “father-son date night” because ::gasp:: they’re both dudes! ZOMG! And the same is true of mother-daughter events, with the exception of teas around Mother’s Day, but then I ask, what happens to the moms who don’t have daughters? Are they uninvited?
There are only events geared toward dads and daughters. There are only viral videos about dads and daughters. There is only anything about dads and daughters happening in this conversation.
So, yes, I do think that there are lines that get blurred when it comes to the notion of “dating” our daughters, and some of that, I now realize, comes from the places I’ve lived and the culture in which I was raised.
That is, the “purity culture.”
I’m a liberal Feminist thinker living in a veritable sea of people who see the world so differently than I do it’s a wonder we’re even looking at the same world sometimes.
In a place where “earn the right to wear white” is a mantra taught in sex ed classes and where daughters are encouraged to pledge their virginity to their parents, namely their fathers, complete with the exchanging of rings, and where there are no such pushes for young men to do the same (nor do young men seem to need the same protection from the big, bad world of dating), the idea that dads should date their daughters so that the fathers can be the great protectors, standing guard with a shotgun while their little girls exit the house with a gentleman caller isn’t one that I can support.
And I don’t necessarily subscribe to the notion that young girls learn about their self-worth and have their self-esteem built up solely by their relationships with their fathers, or that one on one time with their fathers are the only ways they’ll open up when they need to talk about the big things in their lives.
I think a lot of that openness comes from the culture which is created within the home on a daily basis. Engaging each other in questions about the day, talking, sharing, and being kind to and not judgmental with one another.
Daughters (and sons) will learn what to expect from the men/women in their lives by how they see us treat the people around you, which includes them, our spouses or partners, our neighbors, and the waiters at your favorite restaurant. They will come to understand and see the qualities they want in a partner not from what we do on those special outings with them, but from how we live our lives every day.
Be the kind of spouse or partner to your wife that you hope your daughter will one day marry. Treat your wife how you want your daughter to be treated. She will see that. She is seeing that.
So sure, bring your daughter flowers, but bring them for your wife, too. (Chances are, if you’re the kind of guy who’s bringing his daughter flowers, you’re already doing those things for your wife. Good on you!)
Finally, the comments which have hurt me most in this entire thing are those about my dad and what kind of man he must have been.
Call me names. Make fun of me. Imagine me to be some perverted, twisted monster. I don’t care.
But my dad was a good man. He didn’t take me on “dates,” and quite frankly the thought that he should do those things would never have crossed his mind. My upbringing predates the Internet and blogs telling us how we should and shouldn’t be doing it.
But he didn’t have to do those things for me to know he cared.
My dad died last August, suddenly, and without a chance for me to say goodbye, or to tell him that I appreciated the sacrifices he made for me. Or just to tell him thanks for loving me. I will never, ever get that chance again, and can only hope to do his legacy justice by living with the same kindness and generosity he showed for everyone he met.
Miranda, my heart weeps for you. I don’t know, and I don’t intend to ask you how your relationship with your father went, but you’re absolutely wrong about your baseless arguments. The video brought tears to my eyes because I have sweet memories of my little girl being jealous; Daddy belonged to her, period. My female coworkers enjoyed how much my Princess (yes, capital P) stood guard when they were too close to me. My wife was extremely happy that we shared such a strong bond. I am Puerto Rican, born and raised in a Macho culture. However, my parents raised us in an awesome environment: happy, thankful and respectful to each other. I cannot imagine how a term that means nothing if there’s no intention to sexualize it can affect you that much. You inferred so many negative things out of a video that actually took me back to those great dinners with my girl, it breaks my heart. I’ll always cherish sharing the most delicious “air dishes and tea”, never forgetting that the creature in front of me represented the greatest gift of love that God gave me, thanks to a woman who decided to share her life with me, with a totally different kind of love: husband and wife. Oh, and I got news for you: she outgrew it. I’m not the most important man in her life anymore. Her boyfriend is not my enemy, it was bound to happen… and I’m happy for her. God bless you.
God bless you!
I watched this video and loved it! I’m a very proud father of 2 beautiful little girls and I do take them on Daddy/Daughter dates! I work, often 12-15 hours a day 7 days a week. I give this man in this video the utmost respect, I wish every Dad was like him. There’s so much talk about this definition of “date” meaning you want to establish some sort of sexual relationship, that’s incredibly insane! Can having a “date” encompass intimacy? Sure it can. And do parents not have an intimate relationship with their children, boy or girl? Sure they do. I’ve never once missed a Dr appointment for either one of my daughters, I’ve never missed a cheerleading/gymnastics practice, and I’ve never once missed reading them both a bedtime story since the day they were born. I want my daughters to know that regardless of how busy their Daddy is dealing with the world and grownup duties, that I’m NEVER too busy to be there for them or too busy to devote my whole attention to them; they are what matters most to me! I’m there to comfort them when they trip and fall and scrape their knees, when their tummies hurt, when their doggy goes to live with Mr. Moon, when they excited because they’re proud of the pictures they made Daddy that I have no clue of what they have drawn, and so many other things! When my oldest daughter had her accident and fell, she broke her skull and had to be medi-vaced, & I cried every day for WEEKS until she was back at home in our house and okay. I cried because there IS an intimacy with my children, an inner love,.that I can never have for any other person. This Daddy/Daughter date was beautiful and showcased the inner love this Dad has for his daughter. He was simply showing her that she’s important enough to be the center of his attention. If every child had parents like him, maybe this wouldn’t be such an awful world to live in where people think signs of love are indications of perversion!
Bravo, Max!
You guys have go to be tripping right? It’s a Dad hanging out with his young daughter???? Stop anglicizing the max out of it and just sit back and enjoy the moment they share together.
Don’t date your daughter bla bla….. If a father want’s to treat his daughter like a he can only hope someone else does one day then let it be.
It’s just that the father wants express his love for his daughter, so that his kid will not going to find that love from anybody else. And when the time comes that she is in her right age to date someone, she will know who that guy could be. A guy who will respect and love her like what her dad does. Maybe your dad didn’t treat you like that, that’s why you’re talking like that.
Through the world’s eyes today I can see why this would be a concern to you. The world has a way of perverting even the most innocent things. I agree that the daughter will look for a relationship based on the example that has been set before her, but all this dad did was spend quality time with his daughter and make her feel special on a planned date. We need more dad’s like this one that will go the extra mile. My husband has let our daughters put make up on him, Polish his nails and had tea parties with them and they love him for that.
Amen! Thank you for this article!
Jeez…..you must be one jilted bitch. Did daddy touch you? Is that why you’re so angry and bitter at something so harmless? You put words in the mouths of people you don’t know. You look down your nose at what you don’t understand or agree with. You place meanings into words that were never the intent of the writer or speaker. Your diatribe is one sided at best. Any dad loving and caring for his daughter is a good thing. Loving and caring does not equate to sex and ‘weirdness’ you man hating spinster! Now go cry to your lesbian friends.
@John,
Why did you need to call her a “jilted bitch’? Show that you know how to have a conversation without name calling. Please men, refrain from name calling. Those of you who speak with such violence and anger, help to make women feel creepy about us, and therefore, agreeing with the article.
Respect each person’s opinion, know that they have a right to express it, and then write your opinion, without name calling. This is still America, so each of us have our views about things.
I think it is awesome when fathers date their daughters. It’s not a date like you would go on with your partner but dates to show your daughters how a man should treat you and also to spend one on one time with your child. It is sad when people do not see the benefit in this….Your children grow up fast, take them on dates!
Miranda,
I’m with you on this one. I don’t want to date my daughter. I am my dgt’s first love in a very innocent the way it should be kind of way without adding any confusing terminology to it lol.
Oh come on……you are being just a bit ridiculous! There is nothing wrong or inappropriate about a dad taking his daughter out on a daddy/daughter date. I have date’s with both my son and daughter. It is time alone with them to do just what they want to do and talk about what they want to talk about with no interruptions. I think this is great! I think the time alone shows the kids how important they are to you.
that’s the problem we have……we have so many words that represent different meanings……so it’s easy to see things not as they are…
I saw this video and thought”cute”. What little girl doesn’t want to be treated like a princess? Mine are always asking Daddy to buy flowers for their birthday. But this article is right. There is a difference between loving your daughter as a daughter and taking her out for a ‘date’. I don’t think the person writing this article was hung up on the term ‘date’ but rather empathising the point that there are ways to show your daughter love that are different to the way you show love to your wife. What better example for your daughters in how they should expect to be treated than to show them love through the way you love, respect and date your wife? There is nothing wrong with buying your daughter flowers. There is nothing wrong with taking her for a daddy-daughter milkshake or ice cream. But for me the concept of dressing up for a candlelit dinner and romance should be reserved for his wife. Obviously everyone is different, has different ideals as a father and for me that is OK. If someone feels they want to ‘date’ their daughter so be it. I’m not going to get hung up on their decision, I wouldn’t go as far as to call it ‘outrageous’ and its their decision to make. But for me? I don’t mind my husband buying our daughters flowers on their birthdays and seeing them smile but we’re lucky if we have time for one proper date a year and sorry but its mine not the kids. He wooed me, dated me, married me and our time together is ours and its precious. My children can learn the right way to be treated through watching our interactions when my husband takes me for our all important date. And that’s just it, our dates and quality time together are important. Husbands just make sure you don’t neglect your wives. If you have enough time on your hands and your wives are OK with it then take your daughters out, just remember, you married your wife and she always comes first.
I have dinner with my father once per month. I’m 30 years old and I still call it my “Daddy – Daughter Date Night”. I have an incredibly healthy relationship with my dad based on love and trust and am sick that anyone would ever suggest it is anything but a father treating his daughter to a night out. You’ve taken a beautiful thing between family and turned it into something negative.
This made me think of when I took my oldest son to the movies, just me and him, and I innocently said the word “date.” My son was appalled and said “Mom, you’re married. The only person you are allowed to date is Dad.”
As a Father with three daughters I completely agree. I have been indoctrinated into taking my daughters on these dreadfully named events for years. From here forward I will find a new name for these precious times with my daughters. After all, if a future date for my daughters treated them exactly like I do (a.k.a, no romantic interest), I would advise my daughters to move on because the dude’s probably batting for the other team.
Why is there not a ‘like’ button? Good point.
Fuck off wanker
Leave it to someone to have to blog about a innocent perfect father/ daughter time and turn it into something it is not….. You must be lonely.
Leave it to a man who does not want people to give their opinions
If you were to take the time to understand the difference between the words “date” and “dating” you wouldn’t have come across as the alarmist moron that you appear to be in your article. I find it truly hard to believe you’ve never said to another human being “It’s a date” when agreeing upon a time to do something together or meet in a non-romantic capacity. People use that word all the time to make arrangements with each other, across all kinds of familiarity, emotional or otherwise.
Also, did you ever stop to consider that this dad was taking the time to show his daughter how a gentleman should treat a lady? Clearly mom has some input in the events of the video. I would think that the two of them jointly have realized the importance in making sure their daughter understands what it means to be treated with courtesy, respect and class and decided to play it out through a good old-fashioned tea party to help illustrate that.
We live in a world where there is so much horror and perversion going on, to be sure. But let’s not let that cause us to lose our senses and kill all that is innocent and pure in this world. We need to maintain something that is wholesome for our children without always subjecting it to perverse speculation. Otherwise we raise kids that are cynical and without hope and kids without hope means a world not worth living for.
Let’s not be afraid of the natural, loving, bonds that exist between parent and child. They are nature’s way of making sure that our children develop a strong sense of self esteem and are selective in finding the ideal partner when they grow up. Now get your mind out of the gutter and let this little girl and her daddy have some tea for goodness sake.
“this dad was taking the time to show his daughter how a gentleman should treat a lady!”
Does a 3-year-old really need to know that??
If you show your children early and consistently how things should be done (how men should treat women, how women should treat men, saving money, exercising, eating right, etc.) then the chances are slightly better that they will remember and utilize those lessons when they are older. At 3 she may not need to know how a gentleman should treat a lady, but when she is 13 and doesn’t want to learn it, or 23 and thinks she knows everything–isn’t it too late?
For everything there is an appropriate age!
And I have to say, I am surprised to read, that there are people who really think it is appropriate to train dates with the own children in kindergarden age, who think it is the only way to teach them that they deserve respect in a relationship!
It may be cause I am not from the USA, so things work in a different way here, it may be cause I am a padagogue and social worker, but I lack understanding this way of teaching your kids values!
It should be enough to show them love and compassion and to teach them respect and that they deserve respect as well, without impersonating adult life situations in a very young age!
A girl, a daughter does not get her self esteem boosted or lifted by her dad. Get this straight. A girl child gets her self esteem lifted by both, both, both her parents, her mother and her dad. The most important parent to a child, is the like gender parent.
Sorry to burst this swelled, out of line, inappropriate man made bubble, but it is so wrong to push this notion that dad by himself, gives daughters their self esteem. Yes, dad can talk to the daughter as a parent and tell how twisted and sinful the world is, he can give her advice and remind her how important she is as a human being and he can remind her how much he loves her, but he does not give her self esteem or lift her self esteem exclusively by himself.
Dad is not her only parent. Mothers are so important to their daughters.
Then you need to review the video over and over until you finally hear the part where the girl tells her daddy that her mommy helped her prepare for the”date”.
Pop! There goes your anti-male, bias bubble.
Well put, M C!
I absolutely agree with the article!
I watched that clip and it was cute! It was cute to see a happy girl, which shared some good times with her father! And it was cute to see a happy dad, who loves to make his daughter happy!
BUT, I had the same akward and weird feelings about the “dating” situation!
It was less about any definition of the word “date”, it was more about the entire situation!
Why is it neccessary to do such “adult” stuff with your 3 or 4-year-old (?) daughter??
Is it neccessary to imitate an adults` date?? Including the roses, the imitation of a fine dinging restaurant, etc.?
Aren´t kids in these times in the western world already growing up too fast? Many of them want to be adults when they just crossed the double digit birthday, they dress up like adults, they act like adults, they just don´t want to be children anymore!
So, why do parents even amplify this kind of behaviour?
In my opinion, children should be motivated to be children! Daddy-daughter-time also could bring the same joy when daddy plans something more suitable for children for his daughter!
I love how hard Miranda tries to come off as a thoughtful, deep thinking writer. I am sure she had visions of this making its rounds being shared on Facebook and other social media, validating her as a serious writer with something actually thought provoking to contribute to the internets. Yeah, no. This whole thing is garbage and I am sure it has been pretty much covered why by the majority of people that were unfortunate enough to stumble upon it. The only impure thing here is your backwards thinking. Get some therapy.
My sentiments exactly, Emily. Miranda has a knee-jerk reaction to something that is bothering her, and she has chosen to post these inane, biased comments. So what if the fathers are gay? Get used to it. It is happening in our society. If you don’t like it, Miranda, move to an isolated island somewhere where you can be totally alone with your thoughts and one-sided writings. And what about that TV commercial for some allergy medicine that has been circulating lately with two fathers sitting at a tiny table having a tea party with their daughters? What do you think of that, Miranda? I sense that this father is giving his daughter a fun time and that this is probably something that was a one-time-only thing. I wish my father had given me my “first date”.
What is glowingly obvious to me about the video is that the two men depicted in the video are gay “partners”of sort and this is another ploy by the gay/lesbian society to promote their activities by using that particular setting. As one can see that the only female in the video is a four year old girl. The server is the same male who “helped” the dad get dressed. Hmmm. Read between the lines. Just my views.
Umm…didn’t the little girl say that her mommy helped her get ready for her time with her dad?
you, my friend, are an idiot. that is the most moronic statement/response I have ever seen. Even if he was gay, what difference does that make? the wife was mentioned in the video crack head.
@ the truth teller
Please don’t call people morons, crackheads, or idiots. Write your response without name calling.
I don’t agree with the article but that is my opinion on the author’s opinion. I don’t see how calling her a bitch is remotely relevant, necessary or true.
She didn’t say the guy shouldn’t take his daughter “out” (they were on the porch, it’s not like he took her to Ruth Chris) and then push her on the swing on the playground. She said parents shouldn’t date their children. I agree parents should not “court” their children but that is not what I gathered when I saw this video. It didn’t creep me out or make me think there was something screwy about the guy.
My daughters and I have monthly mommy-daughter “dates”, my father and I have regular daddy daughter “dates” and my girl friends and I have girls night out and it is for a set DATE every month, I even have regular “me” dates. I don’t consider that “dating” any of the aforementioned people.
you’re an idiot, plain and simple.
Eh, Miranda, I’ll go halfsies with you. Date as social engagement is not a big deal. Jason and I both have ‘dates’ with Vivienne that we have termed ‘Daddy/Mama – Daughter Adventure Time’ and that I have referred to as dates – special treats, special engagements, one on one time. And I think that’s fine. I think usage of the word is fine in that area.
Now, going on a date – that’s where the ice begins to thin, imo. Getting dressed up for a fun event? I can see both Jason and I doing that with Viv. She likes to dress up and getting dressed up for frozen yogurt for good grades? Sure, why not? Either or both of us.
Daddy/daughter dances, purity rings and stuff like that? Nope. Ew. That is where you are dipping into the more romantic senses of dating and I agree with you on that. Yes, spending time with your kids is awesome. Mimicking adult activities or entering into chastity promises or similar is uncomfortably creepy to me (father/daughter or mother/son – but as you note – we don’t see much of that in the romance sense, do we? Probably because it’s harkening back to a patriarchal ownership/purity thing that . . .ew).
I did see this fly by on Facebook and thought it was a really stupid thing to do. For many parents it probably is an innocent time out with Mom or Dad, but it also blurs the lines of appropriate behavior between parent and child. I’m not saying, don’t have special time out with your child. I’m saying it shouldn’t resemble courtship. I also agree that it should be a matter of normal parenting that you do have special time with your kids. Go ahead let the rotten fruit fly, it never killed anyone.