I knew so much more about being a mom four years ago than I do right now. You know? Before I was actually a mom?
Before I was a mom, I planned on regular outings with my girlfriends. Regular “girl’s nights” where we gabbed and drank wine and, I dunno, painted each other’s nails or something.
But I just knew they would happen. Regularly.
I declined an invite to a girl’s night tonight because it would’ve required me to be away from Emma for too long.
Two hours to get there and two hours to get back and assuming I stayed there for two hours? That’s basically all the milk I have in my freezer.
Last week when I went to the Graco party, I thawed about 7 ounces (a 4 oz bedtime bottle and an extra 3 oz bottle since I had shows to cover before I could go to bed). I knew I’d be up late and Dan was totally okay with bottle feeding her while I worked. Of those 7 ounces, she drank about 4. Total. Over two feeds. I only pumped 3 to freeze leaving me with a 4 oz loss in my measly stash.
I pumped for four months to make sure that Joshua had breast milk to drink during the day when we were apart. When I was pregnant with Emma, I thought “Hey! Yes! I know how pumping works! I will totally rock this! And I will know how to have time for me!”
Now that I’m home with Emma and she can drink from the tap, the pump and me? We’re not BFFs. In fact, we have a hate-hate relationship and have since the first time I pumped after having her.
In short: pumping sucks.
Pumping is painful now and mostly fruitless and leaves Emma and me reworking her latch on Lefty every time I use the thing. And since I don’t replace from pumping what I would thaw to leave for her, I guess part of me is hoarding what little bit of milk I do have for an emergency that may never come.
Four years later and the girl’s nights out? Not so much regular things. Not for me at least.
So? Girl’s nights out are Mom’s nights in.
And you know? I’m okay with that. Because this is where my life is right now.
This time in Emma’s life is so short in comparison to the span of my own, you know?
This won’t last forever.