Now that it’s been a full 24 hours, I think it’s safe to talk about my yesterday.
You see, I breastfeed. (Not new information, bee tee dub.) And sometimes, breastfeeding has a Dark Side. Yesterday, I used the Force (gravity) to conquer the Dark Side of breastfeeding.
That Dark Side? A Plugged Duct.
Yesterday, I jumped in the shower and noticed that my left boob was really sore. Like, do not touch it and do not let the water touch it sore. And then I noticed that it wasn’t shaped right. One quarter of my boob was sort of hard and lumpy. The underboob, if you must know. My mind immediately ran through the list of all the things I know can happen to boobs serving terms as milk bags and settled on a plugged duct.
I knew I had to get the milk out to fix the problem but no milk would come out. I tried hand expressing there in the shower, but my boob was locked up like Fort Knox and refused to relinquish control of its supply of liquid gold.
I needed Emma to nurse, but Lefty’s not her favorite. Nevertheless, I tried. Repeatedly.
If you’re unfamiliar with breastfeeding, allow me to (not exactly) explain how this works.
Basically, put baby to boob. Baby sucks on boob. Milk from the duct work inside the boob comes out. Except for when it doesn’t.
Have you ever sucked a piece of strawberry from a strawberry slush or milkshake into a straw and you temporarily think you have a greater chance of your head turning inside out and brains spilling down through your mouth than you do of getting that strawberry up the straw?
That’s what I’d imagine a plugged duct does to a boob for a breastfed baby. Or at least that’s what I think happened to mine based on Emma’s protests.
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She would not nurse and I started to panic. Every time I came near her with the boob, she pulled her head away and looked at me with that “You want me to do WHAT?” look. And I’m thinking “JUST DO IT! I’ll buy you a pony!”
I kept thinking about mastitis and how I cannot get sick! I CANNOT get sick. No. Not with two kids to take care of and no help during the day. I cannot get sick. And mastitis is what happens when plugged ducts aren’t cleared. I do not need that. I do not have time for that.
I tried pumping. It made me want to cry. My boobs hate that thing like…well, every simile I can think of is offensive to someone. Suffice it to say that me and the Medela? Not BFFs.
So then, I assumed the position–cow position, that is–and hung my udders right in her face so that she and gravity could do their thing.
Except she just rolled away from me like we were playing some epic game of Steamroller Tag. I’d lay her on the bed and get on my hands and knees over her and she’d roll between my arm and leg, bobbing and weaving and laughing like this was some sort of game. I’d crawl to wherever she’d gone, boob just a’flapping, and try again to get her latched. She’d just roll the other direction.
NOT HELPING, SMALL CHILD.
Finally, FINALLY, after she was good and sleepy, she decided Lefty would work for her nightcap. It was the most excruciating nursing session to date through two kids. It felt like her mouth was lined with tiny razors because of all the times I’d tried to get her to latch before that. I held the plastic edge of her pacifier in my mouth and bit down knowing that if I could birth her without meds, I could get through this. But this hurt worse than her flying out of my vagina at lightning speed.
After putting her to bed last night, for the first time all day, my boob didn’t hurt. It was a Tuesday miracle
I wanted to shout “this duct is cle-ah” but I was afraid no one would get the reference (someone please say you get the reference) so I just poured myself a glass of sauv blanc instead.
Here’s to that never happening again.
I totally remember this. Well, not the cow walking around with flappy boob part. Good thinking you. So painful. And this was hilarious. I mean, not the pain in the boob, but the way you wrote it.
I’m glad you could laugh at my pain.
It’s okay. I’m laughing too.
HA HA HA.
I can see Emma’s WTF MA face. And I laugh.
It’s true. The girl makes good faces.
Ekkkk! That hasn’t happened to me yet but that sounds painful. So glad Emma finally helped you work it out. & sorry pumping doesn’t work. Medela & I are bffs for close to three hours a day!
Take soy lecithin as a supplement to help keep it from happening to you! I was on a soy-heavy, dairy-free diet with Joshua and I really think that’s why I never got one with him.
Been there. Done that. Never…I repeat…NEVER want to go through that again. I remember trying everything – nursing, epson salt and warm water soaks, pumping, hot showers, more pumping, more nursing, more pumping…AHHHHGGGGHHH!!! It was awful. Kara did the same thing – the “You want me to put THAT in my mouth? Are you kidding?!”
She could have spit every bit of it up all over me and for once, I wouldn’t have cared. Not even. Not if she’d just nursed the clog out the first time.
Oh my goodness! I went through this with my son. Except it happened when my milk came in and to both boobs! It was the worst pain I have ever felt. I was in the shower, I pumped, I did the cow-position, I did the cow position while I was in the shower, cow position while I pumped! I was a desperate mommy with too much milk going nowhere! Finally the pump got both of my clogs out. I laughed at your story because I went through everything you described and its funny when I look back at how desperate I was to get the milk out!
The pump hates me. I’m convinced of it. Convinced. And I’m only two days (or three?) out from it, but it’s funny to me, too. I was a crazy person frantically trying to milk myself any way I could!
Yep. Been there! It sucks (pun intended)! I had some discomfort and a small reddish area, and then within 30 minutes I was burning up with fever and in horrible pain. On a Friday night of course, so I couldn’t go to my doctor. I managed to soak and nurse like crazy and get through it, but it was terrible!
Holy crap! That’s a super quick onset! Mastitis scares me!!!
Oooohh. Hate that. I had mastitis twice with Sawyer when I couldn’t get the darn ducts clear in time, and it sucked. The upside down cow position is what finally cleared both boobs, but the fever, aches, and streakiness hung around for a while. I’m quite sure that hot, red, sore breasts could possibly be the most painful thing ever. You totally deserved the wine after that!
My nipple might never be the same. You’re welcome for that information.
OUCH! Been there. Once the initial pain goes away, massage the bad area in the shower every day, to make sure it doesn’t come back. Mine always tried to come back… this must be at least part of why I haven’t made it very far with breastfeeding either kid!
Oh, I’m feeling myself up regularly now! NO MORE PLUGGED DUCTS!
I’m sorry, but that image of you essentially pinning Emma down with your boobs hanging in her face made me laugh harder than is appropriate! I’m so glad you got everything, ahem, cleared up 🙂
And yea, totes got that movie reference!
Hooray! I’m so glad someone got it! I watched that movie way, way before I probably should have and that little old lady has just stuck with me all these years.
I feel your pain! Well, not at this moment, but I’ve had many clogged ducts and a nasty bout of mastitis. If you get another one (which, I hate to tell you, is more likely once it’s happened before), take a warm wet washcloth and hold it on the spot with the clogged duct right before you nurse. It makes it feel SOOOO much better and helps it come unclogged quicker. And massage it as much as you can without passing out from the pain. Doing those things helped with my clogged ducts every time.
NO MORE PLUGGED DUCTS! No. I’ll put that warm washcloth trick in my arsenal!
I do not get the reference but I sure got mastitis and boy did that blow. Glad you’re in the clear. See what I did there? Nope. Well then. : )
You’re so punny. 🙂
mastitis…aka…nursing mom’s flu. ughhhh. been there, done that. glad your boob is feeling better! love the story. totally funny. loved it. 🙂
I’m scared of The Mastitis!
Oh my. LOLOLOLOL. I’m only laughing WITH you, not at you, because I’ve so been there. Hooray for getting it to clear up before Mastitis sets in. I had Mastitis with Kendall 3 times. I was able to keep it away the 2nd time around since I knew what the signs of a plugged duct were. And yes, you do ANYTHING to get that duct to clear. Good thinking, woman.
I nearly tried clearing it myself. That’s how desperate I was not to get mastitis.
Bah! Now my ladies hurt. And yeah, I’m imagining you walking around on your hands and knees… with boobs hanging out.
P.S. That’s happened to me. But, I only ever pumped… so I pumped that shit out. Ouch. Cry.
Pumping sucks.
It truly sucks.
You just brought the memories SCREAMING back.
Sorry about that. I hope this is only a memory for me now and never happens again.
Steam roller tag?
Only with boobs.
Might be a game your husband would be interested in.
Just sayin
Totally got the reference. Poltergeist FTW.
I didn’t nurse enough to ever experience a plugged duct but I hear it’s hell. And from what I read here, it’s worse than hell. It’s like, being roommates with the Hellraiser hell. I’m glad you are feeling better now.
i apologize at laughing at cow miranda. i am glad it is all cleared up!
That stupid cow position is impossible!! Mine can’t roll away, but a newborn?? My back was killing me!!! Glad you got it all cleared!!! I’ve been going through something similar for the last two weeks! But I can see the light, I’m almost better!!!