Yesterday I was not the mom I want to be. I allowed my personal stress to become my child’s problem and he bore the brunt of my bad moment. I had things to do and didn’t he understand that! Why the tantrum!? He was sick and I was annoyed. And I was mad at myself for being annoyed that he was sick. We weren’t very good with each other.
The day ended on a good note. My interview went well and I should hear something in the next couple of weeks. If it’s good news, we’re going on vacation. But still, I went to bed with a touch of dread in my heart, afraid that today would be another string of rocky moments.
Today, Emma and Joshua woke up simultaneously at 5:00 a.m. One had a poop and both were thirsty. Neither of them seem to understand that 5:00 a.m. is kind of an inconvenient time for bodily functions and hydration. These kids of mine. It’s like they conspired against me in their pre-bed chat last night.
Because I’m a masochist who schedules 6 week, pants-off, exams for 9:00 a.m. (!!!) I went ahead and climbed out of bed, showered, put on makeup, and fixed up my hair a little while I had the extra set of hands for child wrangling. Dan took off with Joshua and I sat down with a cup of coffee. I’m not a morning person by any means, but I have to admit it feels good to be dressed and showered and have time to just chill out for a minute before getting the day started.
It feels peaceful. Like this moment sets the tone for the rest of the day.
Sitting here in the relative silence is a double-edged sword though.
On the one hand, my house, albeit messy and practically screaming at me to straighten it up, is peaceful. Sure, the dishes are growling, the unfolded laundry is wrinkling, and there are throw pillows and Hot Wheels creating an obstacle course through my living room. But it’s calm here right now. The only sounds I hear are the computer whirring, the birds chirping outside, little Emma gurgles as she nurses, and my fingers typing swiftly along the keyboard.
On the other hand, the silence can be a little deafening. Lonely even. Emma’s not really one for conversation, you know?
I suppose this is one of the dilemmas of stay-at-home moms, right?
All I know for sure is that today is not yesterday. Today is new. Today I get the opportunity to start over and be the mom I want to be. A little more patient, a lot more understanding, with more love for my kids than I had yesterday. And that love is already exponential.
Here’s to beginning today well.