So last year, I wrote this post about how I can’t go to the bathroom by myself anymore. I’m (un)happy to report that in nearly a year, nothing’s changed. I still can’t go to the bathroom by myself. Unless, of course, Dan’s home. And the laws of the Universe dictate that I will almost always have to go when Dan is NOT home.
We’ve reached the point in dining out where Joshua won’t sit in a highchair anymore. He also won’t sit in his highchair at home either, or at least not often. He won’t try a booster seat either, though, in his defense, we haven’t exactly presented him with the option.
Now when we go out to eat, we ask for a booth and hope it’s a booth on the end of a row. Joshua almost always sits with me.
Actually, as the previous poop talk has indicated, he does almost everything with me.
Yesterday evening we went out of dinner and Joshua was in kind of a mood. And by kind of I mean he totally was. He was in the kind of mood where you just keep him as distracted from his unhappiness as possible.
If you’ve been following me on Twitter, you know I have a bit of a cold. My nose is stuffy and/or runny and it’s just kind of ridiculous. While at dinner, I had to blow my nose, but blowing your nose at the table in the middle of a restaurant is gross. Since Joshua was sitting with me, and it was nearly time to distract him again, I asked him if he wanted to go wash his hands.
Of course he did.
So we went to the bathroom. And when we got to to the bathroom, I sneezed. And nearly snissed myself. So I knew I’d better go pee while I was in there. But Joshua was with me. What was I going to do!?!
Oooh, the big stall is open! (YES I AM THAT PERSON! And in this case, especially, that was stupid.)
Short on time? Save this post for later.
No more lost tabs, random screenshots, or digging through your browser history. Save this post and do future-you a favor.
(It's like a bookmark, but...not.)
I took him into the stall with me and I locked the door and I said “No touching anything, Joshua! No touching!” and then I set about putting the butt gasket down on the toilet.
No sooner than I’d pulled my pants down and exposed my giant ass to the world did I hear “click!”
That was the sound of the toddler, my sweet precious Angel son, UNLOCKING THE STALL DOOR. While I was mid-stream. And because we were in the big stall, the door swung out instead of in, leaving me, on the toilet, on display for God and everybody.
I kind of went into a panic.
“NO, JOSHUA! LOCK THE DOOR! LOCK.THE.DOOR! NO TOUCHING THE DOOR!”
“Mama, I close it!”
Thank you, baby, thank you. Thank you, first, for unlocking the door, and second, for trying your toddler best to lock it back. Even though you didn’t quite get it, you had fun trying.
Next time you need to go wash your hands? Daddy’s taking you.
I’ve been there, and I don’t mean to frighten you, but when you have two small children in a bathroom I suggest baby carrier and skirts. But that’s a story for another time.
take care.
A skirt would’ve been so useful on Saturday. Noted for next time.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I love the stalls that have the toddler restraint seats! have you seen them? Pure effing genius! You and I must be having similar weeks cuz i just wrote a post called “Mommies Don’t Poop”. Cuz apparently in the eyes of our children it’s just not a necessary function. Good luck juggling two in the bathroom!
Margaret (@goodbadfamily)
YES! They have them at our mall. I’m pretty sure Joshua exceeds the weight limit though. :/
And on Sunday? I had to poop with the door open because Dan was outside installing gutter guards. Joshua fell while I was doing my business and came running into the bathroom, crying, asking me to kiss his foot and hold him. So then I found myself rocking a toddler ON THE TOILET. 🙁
Mommy took me to an ob-gyn appointment, where I had fun *repeatedly* opening the door to the {full} waiting room while Mommy was trying to pee in the cup.
She goes to GREAT lengths to find me sitters when she has to go to the doctor now…
There are just some places toddlers shouldn’t go. The OB’s office is one of them.
We know – it was an emergency (no one to watch me!), and Mommy had hoped that I’d be distracted by the toys she brought. I was *much* more interested in opening and closing the cabinets in the exam room. Never again!
Bwahahahahahaha! Ahem. Bwahahahahaha! At least there was no one else in the bathroom, right? (Right??)
Oh no, there were. Preteens.
On second thought, if I’d let them catch a glimpse of my stretch marks, perhaps they would’ve served as great birth control.
I had the two of mine with me at a Chinese buffet when I went to change some diapers. And nature called.
I locked the door – but they’re toddlers (truth be told, even if they were older, they wouldn’t have payed attention), and as soon as I sat down, they crawled out from under the cubicle and made a b-line for the restaurant proper.
That was lots of fun.
Two! TWO! Every time I think about that, I get hives!
TWO.
AHHHHH!!
Toddlers will stop at nothing to shame and expose us for the laughter of others. Punk ass kids. and yes he goes with daddy!
No, they won’t. And yes. He does.
This happens to me all too frequently. That’s what I get for doing Kindermusik and his speech therapy during the week, an hour away, at 8+ months pregnant.
I don’t even want to think about what this is going to be like as I get more pregnant and have to do normal shopping. Alone. With the toddler.
My son never did that. His sister can reach locks now and, yes, she has opened the stall while I was busy too. The joys, oh the joys.
I should’ve known disaster would strike. It was inevitable.