I wrote yesterday’s post on Wednesday night while the storms were raging outside my house and in my heart and mind.
Because y’all, this “decision” is a storm for me.
I know that our family isn’t complete. Or at least I think I know that.
I also know that I’ve taken three pregnancy tests in the past two weeks and they’ve all been starkly negative and I have zero emotional reaction to that fact.
Not positive. Not negative. Nothing.
Yes, three tests. Because magically, or biologically, or whatever, I had a cycle that went longer than 19 days and is, in fact, still going. Maybe forever at this rate.
(For the record, I’m charting. It’s been 33 days. There appears to be two possible dates for ovulation, both of which coincide with…well, I took three pregnancy tests. At this point, I should be getting the lovely Lady Times any day now but I see zero indication that this is the case. Which means my body is still jacked and messing with me and maybe I didn’t actually ovulate or I’m pregnant and it’s a super-secret pregnancy that my body won’t tell me about. Not awesome stuff here, friends.)
I saw the pin that Jill posted as her first pin of the week on Pinterest (basically online crack) a few weeks ago and when I peed on that first test, I hoped for something. Some kind of reaction.
Nope. No dice. Nada. Do not pass Go, do not collect a million raging hormones.
And this whole not knowing what’s going on with my body has me in a state of confusion in my head.
I’d hope y’all know by now that I’m pretty level-headed in my assessment of situations, and incredibly cautious when the situation is huge. I’ll buy a black t-shirt for $5 knowing I already own 3 of them and not bat an eyelash, but this?
This isn’t a $5 t-shirt.
When I wrote yesterday’s post, I certainly didn’t mean it to be a judgment on ANYONE who chooses to have more children and when. My sincerest apologies if you felt in any way like I was saying people shouldn’t choose to have more children. Or have them close together. Or have them far apart. Or never. Or only have one. None of that.
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I understand that for some, this decision is easy-ish. A non-decision. For me? It’s just not. And I don’t like the indecision.
(Though, again, indecision is a decision in that it’s a no until the definite yes decision is decided. Kind of like an abstention is basically a vote of no. You feel me?)
There are lots of mitigating factors at work here, the least of which is financial.
I mean, financially, we’re not princes. But we’re not paupers. Me leaving work isn’t a choice, so daycare for two would have to be paid. The difference in what we’d lose if I stopped working would be WAY greater than if we ponied up for another daycare bill each month. We could do it, but it’d be tight. Really tight.
And then there’s that whole me working and being a working mom of two thing. I know thousands or millions of women have been working moms of multiple children. And I know that of those women many of them are probably single. I know they find a way, and I know we would, too.
(And this is NOT–I repeat, NOT–a discussion about SAHM vs. WOHM. While I could write a post about how I think this decision would be an easier one for me to make if I were staying home, this is NOT that discussion.)
But y’all, despite the fact that we both work outside this house, the majority of everything having to do with Joshua’s care falls to me. I’m the one responsible for getting him to-and-from daycare. I’m with him in the evenings until Dan gets home from work. I’m with him on weekends when it’s Dan’s turn in the Saturday rotation. When he’s sick? I’m the one who stays home. Dan’s job doesn’t give him much leeway in being out for any reason. He’s at work until nearly 6:00 almost every day. Despite the fact that he’s a great and active dad when he’s here? He’s not here as often as he’d like right now so that one day down the road he can (hopefully) be here more.
The thought of me being almost solely responsible for another child scares the shit out of me. The thought of one being sick and taking a day or two off and then the other being sick and taking another day or two off just isn’t something that can be done flippantly and without consequence. My job doesn’t get done if I’m not there to do it. Students don’t learn if I’m not there to teach them.
And maybe I take my job too seriously. Maybe I care too much. While I logically know that I *could* leave in the middle of a school year, like I said in the comments on yesterday’s post–if my name is attached to something, you best believe I want it to be good. I may hate them, but there are tests that my students need to be prepared for. Tests that are out of my control. And creatively, my name is attached to that yearbook as the advisor. If something comes out, test scores, the yearbook, whatever, that the community doesn’t like? They don’t vilify the students who took the tests or created the book. It’s my name on the line.
So yes, that weighs into the consideration of not just IF we should try, but also WHEN. And I know you can’t plan when you get pregnant (well, some people can) but I can plan when we TRY, you know?
There’s so much more I want to say, like all the reasons I could see for having another baby right now. Or all the reasons for Joshua to be an only child. Those are posts for another day which will probably be written because I can’t not think about this. But I’m already over 1,000 words and it’s after midnight.
But I couldn’t have y’all thinking my post yesterday was just some stabby attempt to judge people. That’s just not my style.
Rationalist crisis, however, apparently suits me.
I’m sorry if I sounded yesterday like I thought the decision – to have a baby or to leave school – was something to take lightly. 🙁 Because that is the furthest thing from my mind. I just wanted you to know that if/when you do decide to do that, there’s no shame in it. Because those teachers I long term subbed for were damn good teachers and humans. As are you, whichever way you go and whenever you do.
And you know I have the hugest blog crush on you, right? 😉
Oh no. No, I didn’t. Not at all. I know that there are jobs out there that are tough, but if I were still in banking? This wouldn’t be difficult, you know? I could leave that job and my clients were still taken care of. Accounts were still opened. Deposits were still made. But teaching? Those kids depend on me to be there, so I constantly feel like I’m torn between those children and my own child(ren).
And now I’m blushing. 🙂
“Students don’t learn if I’m not there to teach them.”
This is the number one thing that people don’t understand about our jobs. We can’t just LEAVE. We can’t just TAKE A DAY. We can’t just take a month or two and expect everything to be okay when we come back.
I teach 5th grade. I had my first baby in August 09, missing the first 6 weeks of the school year. It took some frantic work, but I got the whole class back on track by Thanksgiving. With this pregnancy, a very unplanned one, we’re due in October. Because of the way holidays fall, I’ll miss another 6 weeks but be home for 9….I’m nervous because this is 6 weeks IN THE MIDDLE OF THE YEAR. What’s going to happen to my structure? What’s going to happen to my children? What is going to happen to my curriculum? A whole lot of unknowns. I wouldn’t have planned it this way at all.
And Mama, <3 to you. You're a good, strong woman.
I work with the at-risk 9th graders in our building. Sometimes I’m the only advocate they have in that building. Sometimes? I’m the closest thing to a mother they have. They don’t understand me leaving to have a baby and I care so much about those kids that it hurts me that they think another adult has betrayed them. Left them. It’s HARD to think about leaving them in the middle of the year, or the end of the year, or not starting the year with them. Hard.
And I don’t want to get up on the “teachers are underappreciated” horse (because we are in many ways) but far, FAR too many people see us as babysitters. Interchangeable. Easily replaced. And that’s not how I feel at all.
(Your kids? They will be okay. Promise.)
I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’m the breadwinner and pregnant (finally after three years of IF) with our first due in November. I’m already trying to plan for the next one IF there is one. There’s so many factors and it’s such a personal decision for each and everyone of us. For us, it’s daycare (my parents are watching this LO when s/he is born, but as they get older is that still a reasonable situation?), the high cost of IF treatments when your insurance covers nothing, and me being already 30 y/o and DH being 35 y/o. This is not how I planned on starting my family. I wanted to be done having my kids by the time I was 30. But like I said, this is such a personal decision, no one can judge you for how you feel or what you decide.
When I nearly got married at 19, I thought I’d be done having kids by 30. Now that I’m nearly 30? Being “done” by 35 doesn’t look so bad!
But the IF thing complicates the issue. Immensely.
*I* don’t feel judged for the decision to wait or forge ahead or be one-and-done. I just don’t want others to think I’m judging them.
We’ve been at the place where we logically think we should wait to have another until this, until that, whatever. I decided I just could not wait 5 or 6 more years. So we are trying now. And now that we are trying, it’s taking forever! Every time I see a negative pregnancy test, I wonder if it’s a sign that we should not have another right now. We got pregnant with my daughter so easily and quickly. I don’t know. Just know that there are other conflicts moms out there with all kinds of challenges and we’ll all get through it!!!! <3
You’re right. We will. We totally will.
conflicted* 😉
Oh hon, it’s hard! Hard to know when to go forward and when to hold back. I wish I could tell you there was a magic voice in my head that told me when the time was right the 2nd time around, but I was conflicted, too. The biggest thing was I knew I wanted to train for and run a marathon before having another baby. I couldn’t start training until K weaned at 1 year old. Then I didn’t run it until he was 19 months old. I gave myself a month off, then I figured, well, on to the next big thing! If the yearbook thing is really important to you, give yourself time and space to dedicate to that 🙂 Things will work out the way they should.
I know they will. They always do. And maybe I DO need to do the next big thing first. I just need to know exactly what that next big thing is. Perhaps it’s the yearbook. Maybe it’s growing this blog. Maybe it’s FINALLY fixing all the things I want to fix around this house. Honestly? I could come up with so many other next big things to do before having a baby I could keep myself busy for a while!
Whew, there is a whole lotta thinking going on here. I don’t think that you need to justify anything my dear. This is your choice and your choice alone. I’m sorry if your message was construed (did I spell that right? Fack) by others.
I know right? Lots of thinking. And I’m not justifying my decision to anyone as much as I’m trying to figure out what decision I’m actually making! I also don’t KNOW that it was misconstrued, but I’d hate to think that it was. I hate thinking I’ve hurt people’s feelings or been offensive. I’m a softy.
Oh I do hope it wasn’t my comment that made you think I was being stabby or judgey about what you wrote because I totally did not mean it that way. I was just sharing that I know WE are ready and wanted you to know that you’ll know when you know.
That was for ‘knows’ in my long ass run on sentence. For that, I do apologize! 🙂
No no! It wasn’t any one person. Sometimes we write things and then we go “Wait…did that come out how I meant for that to come out?” So a follow-up, or a novel, is necessary.
And no apologies for any long ass run on sentences. I make up my own grammar rules around here.
I think it’s awesome that you’re really thinking this through. After all – it IS another human being and frankly, another baby changes EVERYTHING. Your finances, your schedule, your sleep, your sanity?
I am a planner. I had it all planned out when we would TTC our second child. But God had other plans, obviously, as Brigham was conceived WAY ahead of my schedule. I did not handle this change of plans well, as evidenced on my blog. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I did not choose my second pregnancy (he’s a birth control baby, yep).
But oohhhhhh, the love. That’s what changes the most. Doesn’t matter if they’re planned or unplanned. It’s amazing how that new person comes into your life and just fits. Like that one puzzle piece shoved under the sofa that you couldn’t find for a year. Then POOF there is the missing piece and your puzzle is finally complete.
I wish you luck in your decision or indecision =)
I’ve FINALLY reached the conclusion that my heart will expand. My love with grow and will encompass another baby one day. Somehow, some way, it will.
But the when? That’s the hard part. I almost wish there’d be an “Oh, hey…look at that…I’m pregnant” because then this decision would just be made for me by someone who knows a whole lot more about what I’m doing than I do!
trying to figure out if and when to go from 1 to 2 is hard. I always knew I would have at least 2, once i went back to school though, the when got tricky. going from 1 to 2 is no joke though. i dare say it’s harder than going from none to one.
I’ve heard that it’s harder to go from 1 to 2 than it is to go from 2 to 3. Which kind of makes sense because 3 is a lot but you’re already managing 2. So, you know, you should go for 3 because you make cute babies! And then I can just live vicariously though you.
Thanks for the this post. I feel for you, as we have one and are trying to weight the “if/when” of having a second. It’s been more on my mind recently as we (possibly TMI for a first time commenter) has some ill-timed fun about a week ago and now all I can think is, “Did that decision just get made for us?”
Which, in a way, would be a relief, because then I don’t have to make the decision. But stressful for all the reasons that make the decision hard to make.
Kudos to you for thinking such an important thing through.
Exactly. Having the decision just made for me would be a sign that this is supposed to happen now. But making this decision? Yikes.
Good luck for you, too.
Totally relate to you here. I understand the fear, the hope, the wanting vs not wanting. I hope you make the decision that is best for YOU and YOUR family, without feeling pressured by anyone or anything else. But we don’t live in a vacuum and so sometimes that’s just so hard.