Life will be fuller

It’s Monday morning and the title of this post is NOT about my McFatty status.

(Though I do think my pants are slightly more full today than last Monday. For reasons unbeknownst to me since hand, foot, and mouth “disease” stole my ability to eat. ANYWAY.)

We’re on the downhill side of the rally for mental health and today’s guest poster is someone I want to hug some day.

Grace was here last year for the first rally and in the past year, I’ve seen her do some amazing things. Like get healthy. Love deeply. Travel to Europe. And grow her family. My heart is happy for her happiness.

The decision to have another baby after PPD/A is not an easy one. In fact, it’s one that I’m struggling with now. But Grace? She gives me hope.

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After what we went through with our firstborn we were not sure we could ever have another child again.
Months of terrifying insomnia.
Months of tears.
Months of anxiety pulsing through my veins.
Our veins.
Years to fully recover.
Why would we ever risk going through the monster of PPD/A again?
Why would I ever think of putting Solo through that again?
Why would I even consider making Mr. P suffer again?

Exactly two years after my lowest point on my PPD/A journey, I got pregnant again.
In those two years I took different medications to stabilize.
In those two years I saw a psychiatrist.
In those two years I grew into a mother who loves her job.
There have been many prayers, many pleads, many grueling conversations.

Mr. P was even more scared than I was to embark on this journey again. Maybe that is because he is more of a realist than I am. Or maybe that is because he hasn’t had all the support networks that I have to help me process what we went through. Either way, he was a hard one to convince that we could – WE CAN – do this.

I want another chance to love a newborn. I want another chance at holding a baby in my arms with ease, with joy. I want to give Solo a sibling that he can love and cherish – – he wasn’t created so incredibly sweet, gentle and caring for no reason.

The fear? The doubt? Oh yeah, it’s still there. But we are talking about it. We are saying the words out loud.

Just the other day I told Mr. P that one of the worries that nags on my mind the most, silly enough, is how am I going to get Solo to pre-school on time (8am) everyday with a newborn to care for? He reminded me that these are things we can work through. I don’t have to lay awake at night worrying about these details. I don’t have to become consumed with doubt and dread. We will take it one worry, one question, one uncertainty, one day at a time.

And we will do it. Whatever it takes, we will come out on the other side, whole, healthy, happy. And we will be four instead of three.

Life will be fuller. And fuller is better.

If you went through a perinatal mood disorder, know that you are a survivor. You are stronger than you ever imagined you could be. If you decide to have another child (a very personal decision of course) know that you CAN do it. You will NOT be alone. We will be right alongside you, cheering you on. One day at a time.

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Isn’t Grace awesome? She so is. And she’s living this awesome adventure of a life (to me, at least) and I’m just in awe of her ability to do that. Her Solo-boy? He’s also incredibly cute. Incredibly. Go snoop around her blog for pics of him if you want a little shot of happy this morning.

Grace writes the blog Arms Wide Open. You can also follow her on Twitter or Like her blog on Facebook.