I woke up this morning to my loving, caring, concerned husband saying “Babe…you’ve got to get up.” And when he says that what I hear is not his relatively pleasant tone.
What I hear is “OMG YOU LAZY LAZY THING! GET UP!” Because sometimes I like to just sort of…rest? in the bed in the mornings. Hovering between awake and asleep.
Anyway.
I got up and went to the closet to get some pants. I knew I was wearing the new turquoise shirt I bought on Sunday and I knew it was going to be 85 degrees today (not that I’m bragging…).
I tried on a pair of capris and no dice. They didn’t fit. Bummer. So I put on another pair. They fit. WINNING!
And bonus? They made me look skinny. DOUBLE WINNING!
(Remind me I’ve got to tell y’all my super secret to how to look skinnier, mmkay?)
Anyway.
These navy blue capris made me look skinny. Really. They did.
As I was doing my hair, Dan came into the bathroom and said “Wow, babe! That shirt is really slimming…or something. You look great!” And this man doesn’t lie. If my butt looks big he says “Well, it’s maybe not the most flattering thing you’ve ever worn…” (Good man, that one.) And I just nodded, like “Uh-huh! I am a skinny betch today!”
Because, y’all, I LOOKED skinny this morning.
So? I’m reveling in the fact that I look great and skinny and I’m feeling all awesome that it’s 65 degrees out at 7:30 in the morning. I drive to work and jam out to J. Lo’s new hit and drink my coffee and did I mention I am feeling awesome.
I go through first period and I am feeling even more awesome. My kids are getting their notecards done and I am the Queen of Freshman research papers. They are ROCKING this paper. (Except for that one kid who gets on my nerves on purpose because he thinks it is endearing. o_o ) And I might have had two travel mugs of coffee, but who cares! Today is beautiful!
Today rocks and I love it! Woohoo!
The bell rings and I head out to my classroom and realize I’ve left my keys on my desk in the classroom and the door is locked. But look! My trailer mate! So I ask for her key in passing and she hands it over. I stop into the department office on the way to check on something and her ink pen falls off her key ring.
So I bend over to pick it up.
And then?
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“Kkkkkkkkrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhcccccchhhh!”
That would be the sound of the ass end of my pants ripping out. Completely. From crotch to waist band.
My hot pink panties were on full display. To the emptiness of the office, thank you baby Jesus.
(People? This is kind of a trend with me.)
I had a moment of “OMG WHAT DO I DO!?!?!” and laughed and then I remembered that Dan was going to work late this morning. He could bring me pants. YES. Awesome. That will work. I will call Dan.
So I waddled to the phone in the back of the office, holding the gaping hole in my ass closed, and I dial Dan’s number. And get his voicemail. Because he has a nasty habit of not having his phone on him and I don’t understand why HE doesn’t understand that the ass end of my pants might rip out at any time and I will need him.
But? No answer.
I called an administrator and chuckled, “Hey..umm…so I’ve got to go home because…umm…I’ve had a…uhh…wardrobe malfunction.” He cracked up.
And then? Then I was stuck. How was I going to get out to my classroom to get my keys and then get all the way to the front of the school and out to my car without flashing my panties to the world. I was too busy laughing at the hilarity of the situation.
I scanned the room and saw a co-worker’s sweater so I grabbed it and prayed it was long enough, threw it on, and then flew around the school and out the front doors. When I sat down in the car, the pants ripped a little more. And I laughed a little more.
I flew home, breaking every law of speed imaginable on the drive and pondering how, if pulled over, I would become a crazy lady and start telling the officer all about how I’d split my pants and lost my mind in one fell swoop. And then I’d start laughing again.
When I pulled in the driveway, Dan was outside. And confused.
I jumped out of the car, still laughing, and said “You need to answer your phone!” and turned around and flashed him my hot pink panties through the giant hole in my pants. Then I went running through the garage and into the house to change and fly back to school.
He followed me into the house and his eyes were about as big as I’ve ever seen them. He kept saying “I’m so sorry!”
I? Kept laughing.
I got back to school with 10 minutes to spare before my next class started and spent a few minutes chuckling to myself about how silly this had been.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have skipped the gym today after all, right?
hahaha that’s awesome! My claim to fame is a high kick on the dance floor while dancing with my uber hot spanish friend and ripping my trousers from rear waist band to crotch. I was wearing fugly grannies. Fun.
I’m just glad I didn’t pick yesterday to start wearing thongs again. (Not that I’ll ever wear thongs again…)
SO FUNNY. I’m so laughing and I so needed that.
Good! I’m so glad you’re laughing.
Hilarious! I can see how this story could have turned out much much worse. 🙂
I’m just glad I was alone in the office and not in class or the media center. Or the middle of the hall.
Thank the sweet baby Jesus for that.
HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
awesome.
I thought you’d like this. 🙂
BAHAHAHAHA!! This sounds like something that would happen to me. But the good news?
You’re a skinny betch! I’d laugh, too.
I mean, I LOOKED like a skinny betch. I didn’t say I WAS one. Which is obvious from the giant hole in the ass-end of my navy pants.
haha oh my. that is one of my biggest fears while teaching!
I am so, so glad this did not happen while I was in class. So.
It’s not you it’s the pants – they were obviously very poorly made. Oh poor you – so glad that didn’t happen DURING class!
Yes yes! The pants caused it!
LOL!!!!! I recommend keeping some duct tape in your desk. =)
Because walking around with a giant silver stripe up my backside isn’t awkward. :/
I think that I’ll just keep a change of clothes in my room from now on. You know, like the kid’s book My Teacher Sleeps at School.
At some point, we’ve all been there. But it made for such hilarious reading and reminded me of how accident prone I am.
I can honestly say that this is a first for me. And hopefully a last, too.
That was, indeed, hilarious! I needed a good laugh this morning. Sorry it was at your expense, but it’s your fault for writing this. Hahaha!!
LOL! And what would this place be if I didn’t overshare hilarity like this, you know?
The other day, I was on my way to church. My wife had to work after church, so I went by myself to Panera. I sat down, I relaxed. I stretched my legs. I got myself a second cup of coffee.
When I looked at the clock and realized that I was in danger of making it to choir practice late, I started packing up when an elderly man walked right over to me with a concerned look on his face. “Young man” he said, quite loudly, “are you aware that your pants are split?”
I was shocked – no, I wasn’t. They must have split some time ago, ended up in the laundry, and because I’m a guy, when I put them on, simply thought they fit pretty well, and were “comfortably cool” over the naughty bits. When he realized that I wasn’t some young whippersnapper looking to make a bold fashion statement, he informed me that they were split all of the way up the back. I went to Target, bought a pair of khakis, and changed in the bathroom.
snort.
I’m laughing WITH you. Totally.
Hehe! I’m so glad you were able to laugh at that. Well done lady! Keeping it cool 😉
And by “keeping it cool” you mean “installed a ventilation system in the ass-end of your pants” right?? Because that’s totally what I did.
This is AWESOME.
I have never had a wardrobe malfunction in school, but I tend to be the magnet for people who do. This would be why I have a full sewing kit and safety pins in my desk.
Oh, Katie. A sewing kit would not have been enough to fix this. I am not even sure my Singer can fix this.
OMG. I laughed but cringed at the same time – this is my worst nightmare!! Good for you for laughing about it though 😀
I mean, what else could I do? 🙂
I’ve ripped mine, in class, with 31 7/8/9 year olds. I spent the rest of the afternoon with my jumper tied around my waist. And getting increasingly itchy on my back. I got my assistant to check whether I’d been bitten, but no. I had, at 32, contracted CHICKENPOX!
I decided to go to the pharmacy on the way home and get them to have a look, before I troubled to get an appointment with the doc.
“Just pop into the consulting room and I’ll have a look,” says the Nice Gentleman.
I go in.
He comes in after me.
I untie the jumper around my waist so that I can pull up my shirt for him to see my back.
“Bad day today then?” asks Nice Gentleman as he stands behind me.
“Hmmm?” says I.
And at that point I remember WHY the jumper was tied around my waist…..
OMG. That’s hilarious. And itchy.
Oh, I needed this laugh this evening!
Such a funny story, but more? Written in a really engaging and vibrant fashion . . . so that I felt like I was a friend. So that I cared deeply about your predicament even as I giggled.
Really well done.
I love it.