There’s a cute guy who comes to the restaurant on Saturdays. He works on this side of town.
I watch for his car to pull into the parking lot and then I primp and rush to the window.
We flirt.
He orders a milkshake. Or sometimes chicken fingers. With ketchup.
One Friday night I am sitting at home, bored, and alone. The next thing I know I have a phone book in my hand. I look up his number.
His last name is odd. There aren’t many in the white pages.
The phone is ringing. And so are my ears. I can’t breathe and my throat is tight.
“Hello,” he says. And I know it is him and not a wrong number. Or his parents. I know it.
“Oh…hi…this is…um…this is Miranda. From the restaurant.”
“Oh…hey! How are you?” He sounds excited that it’s me. I am excited that he answered.
“Oh, I’m fine. Fine thanks. Listen, if you’re not doing anything tonight, do you want to get dinner?”
“Oh, sure. What time?”
“Now?” I am unsure. He will think I am strange for asking him out on short notice.
“Sure. Can I pick you up?”
I ask him out to see if he is prom-date material, and five months later he proposes. I am 18.
Instead of planning my next outfit for Thursday night like most college freshmen, I am planning my wedding and choosing curtains and dishes.
Instead of “when I grow up” it’s “after the wedding.”
We choose a date in April. We settle on a location and pay the deposit. I buy a dress. A beautiful dress.
And then he breaks my heart.
He cheats. And I am devastated.
I have given up attending the college of my dreams for him. I have decided to live and love the small-town life for him. Friends have abandoned me because they do not understand this. And I am okay with losing them. Because I had him.
Short on time? Save this post for later.
No more lost tabs, random screenshots, or digging through your browser history. Save this post and do future-you a favor.
(It's like a bookmark, but...not.)
And suddenly? I have nothing. I am alone. My world has gone dark and I am wedged in with the knowledge of all I have given up to be with him.
He calls from time to time
“How are you doing?” he asks.
“You don’t get to ask that anymore. You didn’t want me,” I spit into the phone.
I put on my most angry self for those calls. I grit my teeth to keep from crying.
After we hang up, I cry. I weep and shout and throw things.
And one day he calls and I tell him I am leaving town. Moving away to that town I gave up for him. Trying something new.
“Wait,” he says, “…you can’t.”
“But I can. You decided I could when you chose her.”
And so I left.
I hated it. I hated that town where I knew almost no one and nothing was familiar.
I missed him. I missed the friends who hadn’t understood. I missed home.
And then one day I stopped being lonely. One day I realized that I no longer thought of him. Or of them.
One day I realized I wasn’t just surviving anymore. I was living.
I was strong. And brave. And better off than I would have been if I had stayed there.
And now, I sit here on this couch, in this house–in my home–and I am surrounded by life. My life.
And love.
Because I lost him, I now have them.
I remember those times so vividly. You’d call home crying, out of sorts, I’d come visit and we would paint and be the DIY’rs, we’d hang ceiling fans fix light switches, We go through these things to get us where we are today, and today you are a better person for it. What you have now is special and some would give anything to have it. A wonderful husband friend and father, a beautiful and SMART son.
Ah. I love those memories. The times were so hard, but you were always there. You’re still always there.
Happy sighs.
This post TOTALLY spoke to me! It’s amazing how something so terrifying and heartwrenching can clear a path for better things to come! Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking how my life would be if things had worked out with Mr. Wrong, and then I feel so grateful that he is so far away from me now and can no longer hurt me. I never met your Mr. Wrong, but you have definitely found something special with Dan! We are lucky, lucky women! Glad we get to witness your happily ever after!!!
In that moment it totally sucks and is THE HARDEST THING OF YOUR LIFE. But then you wake up one day and you go “Whew. Glad THAT didn’t work out.” And I’m so glad.
Cheers to finding our Mr. Rights! (Now do I need to have a little chat with yours about the 4 C’s?)
dude.
we are the same person.
I am grateful every single day that The One…wasn’t.
Me too, yo. So grateful. So many parts of my life would be different if I’d gotten married at 18. So many.
What a wonderful post – you endured the pain and came out better, wiser, and happier. Love the pic!!
I did. I love the life I have.
Isn’t it amazing how life works itself out? Just when you think you are at the end of your rope, something wonderful happens.
I love this line – One day I realized I wasn’t just surviving anymore. I was living.
Great post and nice to chat with you offline! 🙂
Life has a funny way of doing that to us…working out.
It’s great when that happens.
Love this. What a brave girl you were to make that call to ask him out, and even braver for actively moving on once it was time to get away from the scene of the broken heart.
I was devastated each time i was dumped, but if I hadn’t been then there wouldn’t be My Family. I wouldn’t trade them for any of the guys who broke my heart.
Great job.
Came from TRDC.
It was hard to make that move. It was hard to pack up my life. But I had to get away from the memories.
And I most definitely wouldn’t trade now for then. Not even.
Oh boy, do I know this! I was engaged twice before it stuck, and both times, I look back on it and thank the stars that I didn’t choose either of those silly, slacker boys.
I don’t think I would’ve been unhappy in that life, but it would’ve been a very different life from the one I’m living now.
I’m sorry for being that friend that didn’t understand. If you have never heard the song “God blessed the broken road” by Rascal Flats (yes, it’s country), you should. I love you my dear sister and I’m so proud of the woman you are. He has to live with the mistakes of his life and I know that you were one of them.
Oh, Jen. You and I were okay a long, long time ago. And I don’t think he made a mistake now that I’m older and wiser. And happier. I think he did what was right for both of us, even if I couldn’t see it then.
I agree!
This rang a bell for me; I was 18 going on married, only I went through with it just after turning 19 .. married in April, without even 1 friend by my side, then moved across the country to his little town. I’m glad you had the chance to move by yourself and find your strength. I feel every woman needs that.
I think they do, too. I think everyone needs to live alone for a bit to figure out how to survive on one’s own before relying on the strength of others.
Really loved this. Love your writing style…I can feel all the anticipation and excitement, then all the crashing hopes when you found out he cheated. I can see just how positive it all turned out in the end…your tone is so hopeful at the end of your piece. Look forward to reading more from you!
Found you through TRDC 🙂
Thank you! Hearing that people love my style is such a great compliment to me. Truly!
And it DID turn out positive in the end. So positive.
Perfectly stated – in order to get to the best in life, and to appreciate what you really have, you need to go through pain. I was once stuck in a city I didn’t want to be in, left by the woman that I moved there for . . . I turned out all the better for it, but damn, it wasn’t easy.
I often tell my students that all the good ones are broken somehow. The people who’ve been through hell have the best stories to tell, you know?
It does all turn out for the better in the end. But in the middle? It’s awful.
That was written so well… I could identify with all the feelings and emotions that you were having. And from the looks of it you’re in a pretty good place!
I am in SUCH a good place now 🙂
Phew, I was so worried this was going to be a left at the alter moment, and as I was reading this I actually felt relief that he had cheated on you. I loved how short, clipped at stark your sentences were in this piece, and of course, who doesn’t love a happy ending.
Nope, no jilting for me. Thank God!
And thanks! I’m glad you like my style. 🙂
I love your ending! The last line is just wonderful. It made me smile!
Thanks! Thinking about that makes me smile, too. I’m so, so lucky to have what I have.
We have so, so much in common. So much. That too-young engagement of mine ended for different reasons, but I was still screaming and throwing things and living alone.
And I am extremely happy that I went through that and now have life.
There will never be a day that I don’t look back on that and thank God it didn’t happen. Would I have been happy in that life? Yes, probably. But it would’ve been a totally different life than the one that I love so much now. So I’m glad this is my life, you know?
Miranda, this is so beautifully written! I read your memoir like a novel. hanging on every word, “turning the pages” to make sure of the happy ending.
You nailed this one. Perfectly.
Coming from you? That means the world.
I just want to cheer and fist bump at the ending! Yes for happy endings! This line is perfection, “And now, I sit here on this couch, in this house–in my home–and I am surrounded by life. My life.”
Yay for fist bumping! I’m glad you liked it!
What a perfectly written piece! Your last line tells it all. I love it!
Thank you. And that last line? Is the best line.
I loved this. Great work! Can you remember how hopeless you felt–how sure you were that life was over? I tell my own similar story to my students all of the time. And while my own broken road had some bumps with even mr, right, it was blessed nonetheless, just like yours 🙂
Ah. I so can. I remember slamming the side of my fist into a wall over and over and over just to hurt somewhere other than in my heart, crying the whole time.
So brave. So brave to realize that by cheating, he no longer had any say in what you did, how you felt, where you lived, etc. Good for you!!!
That was a brave front I put on for a long time. For a long, long time, I wanted nothing more than for him to say “I made a mistake. I’m sorry. Please take me back.” And I would have. But by putting on that facade, I grew up. And I realized that I could be okay.
I was in one of those for seven years. Thank God I didn’t marry him… but it seemed like it. Some of the friends stayed, but it took a long time to gain the respect back. Still working on the self-respect. It’s hard to know what to do after something like this happens, but it’s good to feel good where you are now. It’s the bad decisions we make that help us know how to make the good ones.
I shouldn’t say that all of my friends left. But I still think that some didn’t understand and after we’d broken up, the friendships were forever…different somehow.
But you’re totally right when you say the bad decisions help us know how to make the good ones. They SO do.
So true. It’s amazing how wrapped up we get when we are younger. How the world revolves around someone. I had a relationship like that and I felt like my world was ending when he was gone. And then…just like you I met my husband and have my beautiful girl. Life happens for a reason. It’s just hard to understand it.
It’s so hard to understand it, but one day you just go “Huh. That makes total sense now.” And it does.
I love to find out the little pieces of where someone has come from. What makes them who they are now.
This made you a fighter.
It made you strong.
Also?
I love the words your mama puts on your page. She is encouraging and wonderful, I can feel it through my screen.
My Mama is awesome. So, so awesome. I love her.
Hi Miranda, just found your blog through the Kitch Witch. I read this post and my heart beats a little faster. This is me, a couple months ago (although i’m not 18 and not leaving town anytime soon). I feel your pain back then, but I also feel your strength and courage. It is difficult, but I know I will be able to do it, like you did.
I didn’t think I’d leave either, and then the opportunity presented itself and I took it. I knew I had to.
You will find your strength. It’s there. Promise.