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Who are you? Who, who? Who, who?

This has been an incredibly “off” weekend for me. I feel all out of balance and in my head. For no good reason, really.

I think. I don’t know.

I feel like coming here and writing about it in an attempt to figure it out would be mundane. I feel like no one wants a recounting of my day. I feel like no one wants to read me ramble on an on like this is some kind of diary (even though it is, I suppose).

I feel like no one wants to hear about how many times Dan’s asked “Babe, are you okay?” this weekend and I’ve snapped an “I’m FINE” back at him. I feel like I don’t even want to think about how many times I’ve snapped that at him this weekend.

I feel like no one wants to hear about how many times I’ve lost my cool with Joshua this weekend for being himself–a toddler. For spitting French fries out at me. For refusing to eat anything except peanut butter. For refusing to keep his shoes on. For refusing to come to me when I ask him to. For getting into Repeatedly.

I feel like I should be saying more important things here. Like I should be using this space as more than just a chronicle of every event that went well or didn’t. I should be using this space to make some kind of difference in the world.

And yet I find myself drawn to this space to write about how yesterday, we took Joshua to a touch-a-truck event and I couldn’t enjoy it with him. I was there physically, but mentally, I was somewhere else.

I feel drawn to write about how he and I had a good outing yesterday morning, running errands and having a good time together, and all the while I waited for the good time to end. Anticipated the meltdown and tantrum that would come before I could get us home fast enough.

I feel drawn to write about how I am frustrated that I can’t clean my house with a toddler because he comes behind me and undoes everything I’ve just done. And while I’m not a neat-freak by any stretch of the imagination, I would at least like for toys and books to stay in their respective locations for half a second after I’ve put them there.

I feel like I’ve been somewhere else all weekend. Like I’ve been watching my life happen.

What’s so weird about this is that during the week I’m in a pretty good space most of the time. Most of the time I go through my days feeling normal, which gives me a sense of security about my anxiety. Like it’s better. Gone. And I think “Wow. Maybe tonight’s when I’ll start to taper off my meds” and I don’t because I forget.

And then the weekend comes and I feel all Not Me and it breaks me. And I suddenly never want to taper off my meds ever ever ever because what if I do and really bad shit happens.

I hate feeling like I’m not present in my own life.

And that’s exactly what this, this moment right here, right now, feels like. I am not present in my own life. I am breathing, but I am not living. I’m not enjoying things right now.

I enjoy moments, sure, but I just want to have an entire weekend of feeling like “me.”

Right now I’m not even sure I know who I am.

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Tuesday 22nd of March 2011

This post sounds like I wrote it. I spend most of my days not feeling like me. Struggling to find happiness. Wondering how I got where I am. Not understanding why I can't find joy or excitement or interest in my life.

The part about not enjoying the outing with your kid? I get ya. The part about having a good morning out with the kid but not being able to appreciate it because your'e waiting for it to fall apart? I get ya. Feeling like you're in a good place but having it crash down again as soon as you think the clouds are lifting? I'm there with ya. (I can't tell you how much I prefer just being alone these days - husband included most of the time. That yoga-and-dinner-alone-on-the-floor sounded great.)

My daughter is 21 months old now. I'm due in August with #2 (why?! WHY did I sign up for doing this AGAIN?). I had PPA with my first that lasted about 4 months.

I follow another blog whose tagline still gets me: "I used to think I had post-partum depression. It turns out that sometimes motherhood just sucks!" I DID have PPA, but I can't blame my current state on that any longer. Now it's just that I'm a person with depressive tendencies, and that having a kid has just changed my life in a way that I didn't expect, and don't much love. (I love the kid, but not the life having her has given me.) I haven't found a way to make it better, but I appreciate beyond words hearing from other people who have even remotely similar experiences, regardless of them being related to a mental illness. So thanks for the post; the honesty. I wish I had a place to vent and a group of 'friends' (followers/readers) to give me an e-hug! :-)


Friday 25th of March 2011

You always have here if you need an e-hug. Sometimes motherhood DOES suck. Sometimes, it sucks really hard.

But there are great moments, too. Probably more of those than the sucky ones.

((hugs)) to you.


Monday 21st of March 2011

First, huge hugs. Second, a gently scolding: write your life and we'll support you, don't you dare feel bad for doing it. Third, more hugs. Hope you're feeling more like yourself again soon x


Monday 21st of March 2011

Thanks for the scolding. I do sometimes need to remember that this is my space to cut myself some slack.

And thanks for the hugs.

Jess@Straight Talk

Monday 21st of March 2011



Friday 25th of March 2011

Thanks for the hugs. Even if I didn't know you sent them until five days later.


Monday 21st of March 2011

This is your space, babe. If you need it...yes, I said let out all these things, let 'er rip, friend.

By doing that? You are reaching beyond yourself. You're giving voice to those who don't know how to articulate.

And you are working through your shat at the same time.

Also? You are not alone. And by putting out there? All of us come back and remind you of that. It's all part of the healing, babe.

Love you.


Monday 21st of March 2011

HA! I just read your RemembeRED post and then read "let 'er rip" and now I can't stop giggling!

So thanks for that laugh, first of all.

And you're right. I know I'm not alone. So thank you for that reminder too.


Monday 21st of March 2011

this is me...but it's not a weekend thing for me, it sort of comes out of nowhere and i'm depressed for a few days then it goes away. i won't explain what it's like during that time but trust me, i'm not winning any wife/mother of the year awards either. it's hard and it worries me. i just let the husband know i'm not in a great place during that time and we leave it at that. do what you have to do for you to be happy, love. you'll find yourself again.


Friday 25th of March 2011

This is usually how it is for me, too. I'm in a funk for a few days and then? It's gone. And it's so weird and leaves me all head-spinny like "WTF just happened!?!?"

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