This has been an incredibly “off” weekend for me. I feel all out of balance and in my head. For no good reason, really.
I think. I don’t know.
I feel like coming here and writing about it in an attempt to figure it out would be mundane. I feel like no one wants a recounting of my day. I feel like no one wants to read me ramble on an on like this is some kind of diary (even though it is, I suppose).
I feel like no one wants to hear about how many times Dan’s asked “Babe, are you okay?” this weekend and I’ve snapped an “I’m FINE” back at him. I feel like I don’t even want to think about how many times I’ve snapped that at him this weekend.
I feel like no one wants to hear about how many times I’ve lost my cool with Joshua this weekend for being himself–a toddler. For spitting French fries out at me. For refusing to eat anything except peanut butter. For refusing to keep his shoes on. For refusing to come to me when I ask him to. For getting into every.single.thing.in.this.house. Repeatedly.
I feel like I should be saying more important things here. Like I should be using this space as more than just a chronicle of every event that went well or didn’t. I should be using this space to make some kind of difference in the world.
And yet I find myself drawn to this space to write about how yesterday, we took Joshua to a touch-a-truck event and I couldn’t enjoy it with him. I was there physically, but mentally, I was somewhere else.
I feel drawn to write about how he and I had a good outing yesterday morning, running errands and having a good time together, and all the while I waited for the good time to end. Anticipated the meltdown and tantrum that would come before I could get us home fast enough.
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I feel drawn to write about how I am frustrated that I can’t clean my house with a toddler because he comes behind me and undoes everything I’ve just done. And while I’m not a neat-freak by any stretch of the imagination, I would at least like for toys and books to stay in their respective locations for half a second after I’ve put them there.
I feel like I’ve been somewhere else all weekend. Like I’ve been watching my life happen.
What’s so weird about this is that during the week I’m in a pretty good space most of the time. Most of the time I go through my days feeling normal, which gives me a sense of security about my anxiety. Like it’s better. Gone. And I think “Wow. Maybe tonight’s when I’ll start to taper off my meds” and I don’t because I forget.
And then the weekend comes and I feel all Not Me and it breaks me. And I suddenly never want to taper off my meds ever ever ever because what if I do and really bad shit happens.
I hate feeling like I’m not present in my own life.
And that’s exactly what this, this moment right here, right now, feels like. I am not present in my own life. I am breathing, but I am not living. I’m not enjoying things right now.
I enjoy moments, sure, but I just want to have an entire weekend of feeling like “me.”
Right now I’m not even sure I know who I am.
I’m reading a book rightnow that describes those feelings and talks about how to deal with them…”bonjour, happiness…secrets to finding your joie de vivre” by Jamie callan. Hope your week goes well…I have been right where you are.
Interesting! I might have to look into that book! Thanks for sharing the title with me!
Oh Miranda, I know. I know. That’s what this place is for use it. We are here to listen and to support you through it all and I am so proud of you for writing about this. I think that we all have these fears as we tread slowly towards “ourselves” and when we have an “off” patch it is so easy to get discouraged. So super easy.
I wish I had the magic bullet to make you and I better. But can give you a giant hug across the screen. We can do this 😉
The off patches are just…awful. The sneak up on me and try to destroy any confidence I’ve built up.
Thanks for the hugs.
I’m starting to think you’re me in a parallel universe. Are you? So much of what you write is exactly how I’m feeling. I feel this way now. Every weekend. And I hate it.
Hubby is putting C to bed and I just did a yoga meltdown workout with Jillian Michaels, and now I’m sitting on the floor of our living room eating my dinner, alone. And this is the most me I’ve felt for two days.
If you visit my blog, you’ll notice I haven’t posted this weekend. Partly because I opened myself up to my FB friends and I’m feeling exposed (in a good way, sort of, but still) and partly because this is how I feel – what you’ve just said here. And I’m not sure I want everyone to know that.
But now that I see that you’ve written about it, as you should. And I understand.
Maybe we’re in some sort of Twilight Zone or something.
I’m sorry you’re in a funk too.
You’re so great for writing about this. I blame super moon. I felt this way on Saturday. It’s what inspired Monday’s post. Usually my writing is really lighthearted and happy, but I was in such a funk that I couldn’t get over on Saturday. Hopefully writing about it will make you feel better.
Yes! Let’s blame not-super-at-all-moon! (Seriously, did it look super to anyone?)
And yes, writing about it does make me feel somewhat better.
That is so frustrating, that ‘off’ feeling. I feel it waaay to often for my liking. I still blame it on PPD. You do an awesome job here. You’re good at it, good at putting your thoughts into words. Even though you feel like your just writing about how crappy you felt all weekend and ‘not making a difference in the world’..you actually are. You made this momma here in Nashville feel better knowing I’m not the only one that has those outside-looking-in-not-quite comfortable-in-my-own-skin days.
It’s likely PPD/A and/or some lingering emotions regarding all of that.
And thank you for validating me. You’re certainly not alone.
I have been feeling “off” lately too. And instead of writing about it on my blog, I’ve just been avoiding it and wondering why I’m feeling this way. So much is going on around me and I don’t know where “I” am in all of it or what it means for my future. I try not to be anxious about it and trust that God is in control, but it’s always there in my mind. Thanks for allowing me to get some of these thoughts out of my head. I pray you can find what (and who) you are looking for… cause blah days/weekends/months… they suck.
It’s hard not to be anxious sometimes, especially when these feelings linger. I’ll send up a good thought or two for you in hopes that you find your center soon.
I think you should use this space to write about whatever you want to write about. You may feel that it’s not important and it’s not making a difference, but writing things like this is incredibly powerful. It’s difficult to be honest and to write about things that you perceive as weaknesses, but writing about it gives others who are feeling the same someone to relate to. There are so many blogs out there written by “perfect” moms raising “perfect” kids. That’s not reality. And no one needs another one of those blogs to read. When you write honestly about your struggles and how you’re feeling it gives others comfort. I worry about struggling with some of these same feelings when we have kids and it makes me feel better knowing that if I do I won’t be alone.
Thanks, new friend 🙂
I’m certainly not perfect. That is just not my reality. And no, you won’t be alone.
this is me…but it’s not a weekend thing for me, it sort of comes out of nowhere and i’m depressed for a few days then it goes away. i won’t explain what it’s like during that time but trust me, i’m not winning any wife/mother of the year awards either. it’s hard and it worries me. i just let the husband know i’m not in a great place during that time and we leave it at that. do what you have to do for you to be happy, love. you’ll find yourself again.
This is usually how it is for me, too. I’m in a funk for a few days and then? It’s gone. And it’s so weird and leaves me all head-spinny like “WTF just happened!?!?”
This is your space, babe. If you need it…yes, I said need…to let out all these things, let ‘er rip, friend.
By doing that? You are reaching beyond yourself. You’re giving voice to those who don’t know how to articulate.
And you are working through your shat at the same time.
Also? You are not alone. And by putting out there? All of us come back and remind you of that. It’s all part of the healing, babe.
Love you.
HA! I just read your RemembeRED post and then read “let ‘er rip” and now I can’t stop giggling!
So thanks for that laugh, first of all.
And you’re right. I know I’m not alone. So thank you for that reminder too.
hugs.
Thanks for the hugs. Even if I didn’t know you sent them until five days later.
First, huge hugs. Second, a gently scolding: write your life and we’ll support you, don’t you dare feel bad for doing it. Third, more hugs. Hope you’re feeling more like yourself again soon x
Thanks for the scolding. I do sometimes need to remember that this is my space to cut myself some slack.
And thanks for the hugs.
This post sounds like I wrote it. I spend most of my days not feeling like me. Struggling to find happiness. Wondering how I got where I am. Not understanding why I can’t find joy or excitement or interest in my life.
The part about not enjoying the outing with your kid? I get ya. The part about having a good morning out with the kid but not being able to appreciate it because your’e waiting for it to fall apart? I get ya. Feeling like you’re in a good place but having it crash down again as soon as you think the clouds are lifting? I’m there with ya. (I can’t tell you how much I prefer just being alone these days – husband included most of the time. That yoga-and-dinner-alone-on-the-floor sounded great.)
My daughter is 21 months old now. I’m due in August with #2 (why?! WHY did I sign up for doing this AGAIN?). I had PPA with my first that lasted about 4 months.
I follow another blog whose tagline still gets me: “I used to think I had post-partum depression. It turns out that sometimes motherhood just sucks!” I DID have PPA, but I can’t blame my current state on that any longer. Now it’s just that I’m a person with depressive tendencies, and that having a kid has just changed my life in a way that I didn’t expect, and don’t much love. (I love the kid, but not the life having her has given me.) I haven’t found a way to make it better, but I appreciate beyond words hearing from other people who have even remotely similar experiences, regardless of them being related to a mental illness. So thanks for the post; the honesty. I wish I had a place to vent and a group of ‘friends’ (followers/readers) to give me an e-hug! 🙂
You always have here if you need an e-hug. Sometimes motherhood DOES suck. Sometimes, it sucks really hard.
But there are great moments, too. Probably more of those than the sucky ones.
((hugs)) to you.