I’ve tried time and time again this week to do as Adrienne and Katie have said before. To “see the words just behind my eyes” and write them. I’ve contemplated closing my eyes as I type this post, but I’m afraid that the only result I’d achieve is falling asleep sitting up. Which would only serve to make the pain in my neck and back worse instead of even a little better.
This has just been a really shitty week. And that’s truly the most adequate way to describe it.
There have been shiny moments of sun and sparkles. Like today, which was nearly awesome.
I feel compelled to write about it because that’s what I do. But I don’t know what to say. Or how to put words to what is in my heart and my head.
This has been a week of misunderstandings born from failures of all kinds. A week of putting my ego and my mouth in check. Of guarding my heart. And of being more open to sharing it when it needs to be shared.
It has been a week of teaching. And of learning to adjust my attitude and ideas.
I have constantly watched my words and thoughts so they wouldn’t come flying out of my mouth OR become my actions. I have exhausted myself in doing this.
Normally? I’m pretty good at holding my tongue. (Yes, I’m serious.) Or of thinking of the best way to say something so as to not hurt others.
I do not like to hurt people.
This week I have hurt people with my words. Unintentionally. But hurt. And I dwell in that even after saying “I’m sorry.”
I dwell in that hurt because even if others can forgive me, I have a really hard time forgiving myself.
Learning to forgive myself is the hardest thing I’ll probably ever do.
It has been a week of rain. So. Much. Rain.
So much rain I need a rowboat and a paddle to get out of the puddles.
I’ve grabbed that proverbial paddle for my imaginary row boat and I’ve been paddling along, steadily, all week long, hoping to get somewhere. And still? I feel nowhere.
I do not know where this funk is coming from. But I want to row, row, row my boat right on out of this funk.
If only I could row a little harder, a little faster. If only I were a little stronger.