Getting in the way of your own happiness

What do you do when you wish your life were different?

I drink wine and eat rolos.

I’m feeling the effects of PPA and our geographic isolation from friends and family tonight.  Feeling it tremendously.I

There was some sort of company dinner for Dan’s work tonight that required dressing up and eating free, delicious food and probably drinking adult beverages.  He is there.

I am not.

I’m home with wine. And candy. And football. And Joshua.

Because I cannot bring myself to have a stranger put him to bed at night.

I’m just not ready for that.  And I feel like I may never BE ready for that. The only people who have ever put him to sleep are me, Dan, and my mom.  That’s it.

I’m so, so afraid to leave him with a friend or a babysitter.  I’m afraid he’ll have a meltdown and be inconsolable and then my friends will never be my friends again. I’m afraid he’ll need me.  I’m afraid they won’t know what he wants or how he wants it. I’m afraid. I’m afraid. I’m afraid.

(I’m also afraid the sitter would be a psychopath and try to steal my child a la Rebecca de Mornay in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle or something crazy like that. I mean, my kid is cute. What’s not to want?)

I can count on one hand the number of times Dan and I have been out without Joshua since he was born.

I know that’s not healthy for our marriage.

At what point do I let go of the anxiety and just call up a sitter and leave Joshua alone?  And how do I get over the feelings of guilt and anguish I feel for leaving him?

I’m really sad and upset and lonely right now. It feels like the early days of motherhood when I felt sad, and upset, and alone.

I’m not sad or upset that Dan is there and having fun singing “Bust a Move” on karaoke.  He works hard (both at work and at home) and he has held me up for the past 18 months and he never complains.

He deserves this night out.

I’m sad and upset that I’m NOT there. I’m upset that I didn’t get to put on a nice dress and wear heels and drink wine and SEE him sing karaoke.

And I know that it’s my own fault I’m not there. Because I couldn’t get over my own fears and insecurities and line up a sitter and go.

Someone tell me it gets better.  That I won’t always be this afraid of leaving him. That one day, we’ll be able to date each other again.