I am all sorts of sad right now. I’m blaming it on the wine so as to not have to claim responsibility for said sadness. I’m also hoping the sadness is gone when I wake up tomorrow.
We had a wedding to go to tonight. We’re also kind of broke.
Do you know what this means?
This means no sitter for Joshua. So we took him with us to the wedding.
That doesn’t seem TOO ridiculous, does it? No? Okay, good. Because it is. Because his bedtime is 7:00 p.m.
We opted to put him to bed a little later tonight (which generally has few to no repercussions, thank the sweet baby Jesus) and take him to the wedding with us rather than pay a sitter $10 an hour.
(TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR?!? That is three dollars an hour above minimum wage!!! WHAT?!?!)
We didn’t get a sitter in order to save money, which meant we had to leave earlier than I would’ve liked.
You see, people, I don’t get out much. And I’m what you’d call a “social butterfly.” So I thrive on interactions with other people. And I have very few friends in this area and even fewer friends in this area in the same stage of life as me. In fact, I can think of two in the immediate area.
In short, I miss people. A lot. And I was having an awesome time tonight. But Dan looked at me and said “When did you want to leave? It’s 8:10 right now…” and Joshua was doing fine and I said “He’s fine right now” and Dan said “RIGHT NOW” in that tone of voice that indicated that he was all too aware of the fact that Joshua could melt down at any given time.
Dan is the responsible one when it comes to our social interactions.
I just didn’t want to go. I was enjoying the conversation and the people and the music and the being dressed up and the not being at home.
Ugh. This sucks.
It feels like I’m complaining about having what millions of people would kill to have–a family and a healthy child and a home. I am such an ungrateful wretch of a human being. I kind of hate myself right now.
Then, on the ride home we sort of started talking about “The Future.” That’s a conversation that’s tough to have. Joshua and I have just hit our stride in terms of me not feeling like a complete failure as his mother. Dan and I are not diligent about our “Operation Pay-Off-This-Ridiculous-Credit-Card.” I have student loans out the wazoo. And the cost of daycare for two children is scary.
There is no way we will realistically be able to begin trying for another child in the next year. Probably two years. And I have no idea why that bothers me so much but I seriously just want to curl up in a ball and cry about it.
Every time I hear someone else announce a pregnancy with their second child (or third!) I just get all sorts of sad, and maybe a smidge jealous.
I don’t know. That’s not even the real reason for this blog tonight.
I miss people.
I love being a mom, but I miss talking to adults and enjoying adult beverages and listening to music and laughing. I just miss it all. And it makes me want to cry to think about it. Because it’s such a conflicting feeling.
Here’s this little guy who fills my heart with so much love that I want to burst open at the seams. But here are people who fill me up, too. And it’s like there’s not room enough inside me for both of them and I’m having to choose. And I don’t want to make the wrong choice.
If I choose people, I deny my son. If I choose my son, I deny myself.
But isn’t that what a good mother is supposed to do? Deny herself for the sake of her children and family? I mean, that’s what my own mother did. Isn’t that what women have been doing for centuries??
I hate feeling stuck.
And that’s exactly how I feel right now. Stuck. Caught somehow between two parts of myself. And I don’t know which part of me I’m supposed to choose.