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And just like that, I know I don’t suck at this

My baby is sick, y’all. 

He slept a solid 12 hours last night and didn’t make a peep. That’s not normal.

He was playing like he usually does this morning and everything was going great.  We needed to go get milk and I tweeted that I thought we’d go before his nap and before I’d showered.  And then I looked at him.  He seemed so tired.  I picked him up to go get dressed and he put his head down, so I knew he was ready for a nap. 

So, I did what a good mama does and I gave him some milk and put him down for a nap. And I (because Dan and I stayed up watching a Zumba DVD and playing Words with Friends), well, I laid down to take a nap, too.  And that nap lasted about an hour.  So I was all flustered because, again, it seemed like my child wasn’t going to nap.

We showered and went to the grocery store to get milk and coming home (a whopping 5 minute drive) I noticed that he was completely quiet.  Which is weird because we normally sing and talk any time we’re in the car.  When I got him out, he was totally quiet.  Zoned out.  And warm. 

But I thought he wasn’t TOO warm, and it IS 90something degrees here.  So I blamed teething.  Or summer.

And then he wanted to take another nap.  We’ve been on one nap a day over here for three weeks now. But he wanted a nap.  And I let him nap.  Because if the cardinal rule of life is “Never wake a sleeping baby” then the second rule of life is “don’t deny a baby sleep when the baby needs it.”

(And I, of course, napped too.  I am incapable of staying up until midnight anymore, apparently.)

But when he woke up, it was clear he wasn’t feeling well. He wanted nothing to do with food and sucked down a sippy of juice and water in record time.  And then Dan got home and felt him and we violated him and took his temperature and it was 103. 

103.6 to be exact.


I do not do fevers.  They scare me.  I called the on-call number for the pediatrician and they called back (in under three minutes, I might add!) and began asking me questions about meningitis exposure and tick bites and in my head I’m all “AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!” and from my mouth I’m calmly answering her questions.

The final verdict:  Wait and see.  Keep him dosed with Tylenol (generic!) and call the regular office in the morning. 

Here’s the revelation I had this evening.

I most definitely do NOT suck at this. 

When my child needs me, when he needs comfort and care and cuddles, I. Am. There. 

Tonight, as I stood there holding him and swaying, and later as I sat there, holding him and rocking, I was overcome with so much love for this child that I could cry just thinking about it.   This love physically hurts, y’all.

I asked Dan to get the phone and take a picture because I want to remember how I felt in this moment.  Yes, there’s pain because my baby does not feel like himself at all.  But the love?  There’s so much of that my heart is about to burst just thinking about it.  There’s reassurance that I am doing everything I can possibly do to let him know that I will be there for him when he needs me.  Forever. 

Yes, I’m there for him when everything is fine and dandy, but nights like this?  When he needs me like this?  Nights like tonight are the nights I wish we co-slept so I could cuddle him and snuggle him and listen to him breathing.  Or I wish we had a recliner in his room so I could settle in just to be close to him.  Because really, I just want to be close to him.  I want to hold him forever.

Nights like tonight are the nights when I become even more aware of my role as his mother.  I become more confident in my abilities to nurture this tiny human to adulthood. 

I know that, no matter what, I am not failing at this. 

I cannot fail at this. 
Love won’t let me fail.

Sweet dreams, sweet baby boy.  
Mama loves you, and Daddy does too.  
We hope you wake up tomorrow feeling just like yourself, ready to laugh and smile and play.  
Love, Mama

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