I can’t fall asleep.
Not during the day. During the day it’s not a problem. I can nap like a champion. If I could get paid for napping, we’d be RICH.
At night, when I go to bed, I cannot fall asleep. And Dan lays (lies? lay? stupid word) next to me snoring away. And yes, I mean snoring-snoring, not snoring as in sleeping peacefully and quiet like an angel. I mean, grab the earplugs but if you do that you won’t hear the baby snoring and dear GOD is there something living in his nose?
And I secretly (or not so secretly) want to punch him in his ribs for it. But then I’m afraid I’ll wake him up. And if I wake him up he may not be able to get back to sleep. And if he can’t get back to sleep then how will he function the next day at work. And he will be grumpy and then I won’t be able to sleep because he’ll be awake and I’ll know it was all my fault. At least I have the benefit of being able to lay down when Joshua does, right?
And all of that swirls through my head WHILE I’M TRYING TO FALL ASLEEP.
Last night, at 10:30 p.m, do you want to know what I was thinking about? What thoughts were running like crazy people streaking across the quad through my mind while I was trying to fall asleep?
I was wondering whether I packed up my books on the office bookshelf at work. And where did I put the Teacher’s Edition of the textbook? And whether I locked my filing cabinet before the janitors tried to move it. And I think I forgot to take something off the wall in my classroom and will I get a nasty email because of it when the maintenance guys come in to wax the floors this summer? And should I try to make a trip up to the school tomorrow to find out about all of this stuff in between naps and our lunch date? Should I go up there after the afternoon nap? In the morning before morning nap?
I haven’t been at work in two weeks as of today. And I’m laying there thinking about work. Like I can actually do anything about it at that time of night.
This happens almost every night. I’ll lay there, trying to get comfortable, my mind racing about a million things I can do NOTHING about right then. And because I know myself, I lay there. Because I know that if I get up and go into the living room, I will
1) turn on the TV and get sucked into an infomercial and convince myself I NEED whatever ridiculous item they are hocking (but I won’t actually BUY it because I know it’s crap. I’ll just lust after it from the comfort of my own living room.)
2) read until 2 a.m. and then hate life the next morning when I’m supposed to be taking care of a rambunctious toddler who wants me to pick-him-up-no-put-him-down-no-blow-bubbles-no-chase-the-dog-no-pick-him-up-no-put-him-down-wash-rinse-repeat all before breakfast
3) get on the computer and waste hours and hours and hours doing virtually nothing productive.
So I lay there. And the more I lay there, the more frustrated I get that Dan can lay down and be asleep within 5 minutes and I can lay down and do relaxing breathing exercises and use meditation techniques and I CANNOT FALL ASLEEP.
I just can’t find the switch that turns my brain off. I’m thinking about what I should have already done or what I need to do and what I’ll need to do beyond that.
And it’s really starting to take a toll on me.
I dread bedtime. And because I dread bedtime, I don’t want to go to sleep. My anxiety about trying to fall asleep is only made worse by the fact that I cannot fall asleep. It is a vicious cycle.
Last night, just as I was almost totally asleep, Joshua woke up. It was 11:15. And after 45 minutes, I was almost asleep. And he needed to be cuddled. It only took 7 minutes to cuddle him and put him back to bed, but in that moment, I wanted to throw something. Or scream. But either of those would’ve woken the whole house and cul-de-sac.
And once I finally got to sleep last night, I tossed and turned unable to get truly comfortable. And then when I fell into dreaming, I dreamed about finding a stack of cash in my shoe because a drug-dealer borrowed them and that’s where he hid his money (which I kept) but how did I manage to get tangled up with a drug-dealer in the first place. A soaking wet classroom with a leaky roof and desks that were COMPLETELY NOT IN MY ARRANGEMENT and students who were all “Uhhh, what’s up with your classroom?!?!” And swimming from the northern end of Florida to the southern end of Florida while keeping a baby out of the water to protect the baby from soldiers trying to take it out, or take me out. I don’t know. But there was a baby and guns and swimming a long, long way in the ocean.
Excuse me, what?? Even my dreams are full of anxiety.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO STOP SLIPPING CRACK INTO MY CELEXA.
And then Joshua decided to wake up at 6:30 this morning but I was awake before that because Dan’s shower woke me up and I’ve had two cups of coffee and I’m about to fall asleep where I sit. It’s pretty uncool, really.
Bah. I need a nap.
But Joshua has decided that naps are for losers and he’s not taking one. And we’re supposed to have lunch with a friend and her baby today and he won’t nap. Which means I can’t shower and get ready or lay down.
I just need some sleep, Universe. Some good, quality, wake-up-feeling-ready-to-take-on-the-world sleep.