Cause if Mama ain’t happy….

I’m breaking up with my Medela Pump-in-Style-Advanced.  I’m tired of hauling the thing back and forth to work every day and milking myself like a dairy cow.  I’ve reached the point where I just can’t do this anymore.

When I was home on Friday with Joshua, I tried to pump while he was playing in the floor.  He decided he didn’t want to BE in the floor anymore and started screaming at me.  I was so stressed out I barely pumped five drops in that session.  I did manage to pump (for real) later that day, but that experience was enough for me to know that I’m really ready to be done with this. 

I know that breast milk is best for my baby.  But at this point, I’m not sure if it’s what’s best for ME anymore.  I think pumping is making me depressed (and as someone who already battles depression and anxiety, it’s not like I need help getting that way). 

It seems selfish to think about quitting just so I can eat regular foods again, but I’m tired of not being able to have cheese or cereal.  I hate the thought of asking everyone who comes to our Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations to buy special butter or not use milk in their dishes just so I can eat them. 

I’m just not happy with this arrangement anymore, and truth be told, I haven’t been happy with it for a while. 

However

None of this makes me OKAY with the idea of stopping breastfeeding.  I don’t know that I’ll ever be okay with this.  I think some part of me will always feel guilty about stopping.  And even though I’m cutting down the pumping sessions gradually, I still get a bit panicked when I pump and only get 6 oz. combined.  The sirens go off in my head and I’m all like “AAAAAAHHHHH!!! HOW WILL I FEED MY CHILD TOMORROW!!!” 

And then I have to think about what’s best for me and I think it’s time for me to be a little bit selfish.