I’m breaking up with my Medela Pump-in-Style-Advanced. I’m tired of hauling the thing back and forth to work every day and milking myself like a dairy cow. I’ve reached the point where I just can’t do this anymore.
When I was home on Friday with Joshua, I tried to pump while he was playing in the floor. He decided he didn’t want to BE in the floor anymore and started screaming at me. I was so stressed out I barely pumped five drops in that session. I did manage to pump (for real) later that day, but that experience was enough for me to know that I’m really ready to be done with this.
I know that breast milk is best for my baby. But at this point, I’m not sure if it’s what’s best for ME anymore. I think pumping is making me depressed (and as someone who already battles depression and anxiety, it’s not like I need help getting that way).
It seems selfish to think about quitting just so I can eat regular foods again, but I’m tired of not being able to have cheese or cereal. I hate the thought of asking everyone who comes to our Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations to buy special butter or not use milk in their dishes just so I can eat them.
I’m just not happy with this arrangement anymore, and truth be told, I haven’t been happy with it for a while.
None of this makes me OKAY with the idea of stopping breastfeeding. I don’t know that I’ll ever be okay with this. I think some part of me will always feel guilty about stopping. And even though I’m cutting down the pumping sessions gradually, I still get a bit panicked when I pump and only get 6 oz. combined. The sirens go off in my head and I’m all like “AAAAAAHHHHH!!! HOW WILL I FEED MY CHILD TOMORROW!!!”
And then I have to think about what’s best for me and I think it’s time for me to be a little bit selfish.