I thought that we’d gotten over the no-nap hump on Saturday. Apparently, I counted my chickens a little too soon.
Joshua has decided that 30 to 45 minutes a few times a day is sufficient for napping. It has me completely baffled and incredibly frustrated. Sleep is so important and I want to make sure he’s getting enough of it. I feel like I spent almost all of Sunday trying to get him to nap. This was a problem because we were at a friend’s house throwing a wedding shower for our other friends. Cooking for the shower, getting ourselves dressed and ready, and getting Joshua to nap felt like three full-time jobs.
The thing about all of this sleep (or lack of sleep) stress is that it’s making me feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m feeling like a really inept mother these days.
I mean, it’s hard enough that babies don’t come with owner’s manuals (and really, they should…), but when you have a baby that miraculously starts sleeping well during the day and then suddenly stops, it can sort of make your head spin.
And I hate that I compare Joshua to other babies, but when I hear about other babies who are sleeping through the night or who are taking good naps AND sleeping through the night and my child isn’t, I just wonder if there’s something I’m doing wrong. (This same comparison applies to everything–why doesn’t my child roll over when so-and-so’s does? Why doesn’t my child want to bat at toys when so-and-so’s does?)
I’ve read in several blogs lately where the new mother wrote that when she first laid eyes on her child her heart swelled up with unconditional love and that after a couple of weeks, she just instinctively *knew* what her baby needed when he or she cried. I can’t say that I had that experience.
Wait, wait, let me explain.
The minute I heard Joshua cry, I cried tears of joy and I have never heard a sweeter sound in my life. My son was born. Hallelujah! He was healthy and perfect and I was so excited to get to hold him and love on him. But, I think I read too much beforehand and worried too much in the beginning about doing things “right” and I think I sort of got us off on a weird foot.
All I could think about after he was born was getting him to breastfeed because I was terrified of breastfeeding not working for us. Seriously. That’s almost all I could think about post-delivery while waiting for them to wheel him in to me from the nursery. Would he take the boob?
Since bringing him home, I haven’t really reached a point where I instinctively know what he wants or needs. For a time, I thought I could tell when he was tired, or hungry, or just plain irritated, but now, I am never sure what he needs. This leads to me constantly second-guessing myself on everything I’m doing for him. Am I feeding him too much? Not enough? Is he too hot? Too cold? Is he getting enough sleep? Is it quality sleep? Am I doing enough to further his emotional, physical, and mental development?
I am making myself crazy with all of this second guessing.
But, I don’t know how to stop over-thinking things. Like the sleep issue.
I thought we were getting things figured out. Then, he decided that wasn’t cool anymore and he needed to shake things up. This sleep thing may be a result of changing his reflux meds, but until things change, for better or for worse, I have no way of knowing that definitively. So, until then, I’m left to over-think, and it really stinks.