The counter at the bottom tells me that people are stopping by. You can comment, you know? Tell me who you are, mystery readers!
I got the results of my bloodwork from last week. Basically, there’s very little wrong with me. My ovaries just don’t like me. My insulin level was a bit high (27) but I hadn’t been fasting, so the number could be related to that. The nurse said that my progestorone level is on the low side of normal and my testosterone level is, well, she said in the middle, but I’m saying high side of normal (38 when 45 is the top number in the range). I’m on the second round of Prometrium now to induce a period. It didn’t work last time. I still have not had a normal period. This S.U.C.K.S!
I know, I know. I haven’t been trying nearly as long as some people, but the fact that I’m not ovulating is a sign that I’m not working right down there. So, I’ve asked about trying Clomid. If I do this, I want to do it in the summer so that I don’t have to deal with possible side effects AND new students. My next appointment will be next Wednesday morning instead of July 6th and we’ll figure out a new time-frame for taking these meds.
On top of this lovely phone call, I had a bad day at work. It wasn’t bad as much as it was just dreadfully hot in the building and kind of sad for me. I love, love, LOVE teaching American Lit. Next year, I’m no longer teaching it. I had to hand over my teacher’s edition, the one that I made all of my own notes in, and I cried. I sat down at my desk and got stressed out because I couldn’t find something and I cried. Five or six tears just fell right down my cheeks. I can’t talk to anyone there about it because it’s pointless. So, I just feel all bothered by the fact that someone who has never taught it before is teaching classes that could’ve been mine.
I can see myself being so bitter if things don’t start to look up soon.
My little brother is graduating from high school today. *tear* (Sorry for the washed-out quality of the pic!) I remember the night I got the phone call at my grandmother’s house that he’d been born. I remember when he came home from the hospital. AND, I remember dressing him up as a girl because of his ridiculously curly hair.
He’s the valedictorian of his senior class, and I couldn’t be more proud of him. I don’t agree with many of the decisions he’s made lately, and I don’t like the fact that he’s hurting my parents the way he is, but still, he’s so smart! It’s a shame that he may be throwing away some of the best opportunities he will ever be given because of the lifestyle he’s choosing.
I have a hard time understanding how he’s made these choices. I know that drugs are addictive and that he’s finally come out of his shell and found “friends,” but I’m so disappointed. I guess I just don’t understand it. Since I’ve never had a desire to try any sort of drug, I don’t know what made him do it. He says “I’m not hooked” and “I can stop any time” and I know that it’s not true.
I just love him and I hurt for him. I think I feel sort of like a mini-parent when it comes to him since I was eight when he was born. I’ve changed his diapers for crying out loud!! I just hope he knows that I’m proud of him and that I’ll be proud of him. I also hope he knows that if he ever needs me, I’ll be there.
Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.
DH was talking to his friend K the other day and K said that he’d asked M about new girl. (Something like, how are you and your girl doing) M replied, “Oh, me and L?”
He’s apparently kicked new girl to the curb for being “too immature” and he’s trying to get back together with L now. He acknowledged to K that he had some work to do on himself. We’re supposed to see him tomorrow and I plan on saying “so, I guess I don’t have to be nice to new girl afterall, huh?” We’ll see how he takes it.
I called L last night after dinner once I’d heard this to see what was up but she was mum about the whole thing. Ultimately, I’d like to see them work this thing out because I really do think that they’re good for each other. (I promise, I’m totally not being selfish in wanting them to work it out.) I just hope that he’s willing to make the changes that he needs to make with himself and that she’s willing to work on anything that she needs to work on, too. I fully believe that before two people can be happy in a relationship with each other, they have to be comfortable and happy with themselves as individuals first.
Time will tell, I suppose.
I think AF is trying to show up, finally, which means I’ll be going in for bloodwork on Day 3 to see if my body is producing the necessary hormones. If not, I’m not sure what we do. If so, my fingers are crossed.
I went shopping today. I bought a size larger than I’ve ever bought before. I’m not giving up on my goal of losing some weight, but in the meantime, I need some clothes that fit comfortably. They’ll just be extra comfy once I lose a few pounds. It’s a tad depressing.
While I was trying things on I stood in front of the mirror poking my belly out to see what that top/dress might look like if/when I get pregnant. I know, I know, I’m obsessed. I just can’t help it though! So many of the tops that are in style right now would be excellent maternity tops. A girl can hope, right?
It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve updated because it seems like DH is always in the office with me. Since I’m not telling him yet that I’m blogging again, I can’t blog when he’s in here.
It’s been an uneventful two weeks. I finished my first round of Prometrium and still don’t have AF. I’m taking a test on my anniversary for fun even though I know it will be a BFN. POAS will be my anniversary present to myself since that’s so addictive.
Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.
–John Howard Payne
Things weren’t bad, necessarily, but there were a few tense moments.
We went to our favorite Mexican place and I ordered a Dos XX, but left my ID in the car. DH went out to the car to get the license and when he was gone, M leans over the table and says “OK, while he’s gone so this isn’t weird or anything, please be nice to this girl. I really like her and I don’t want this to change our friendship, because I feel like it already has since we can’t all hang out anymore.” To which I replied: “I’ll be nice to her, but you’ve got to understand that this does change our friendship. This is different.” And then DH came back and we couldn’t continue talking about it.
I think M thinks that J and I are the holdouts on him being able to bring new girl around. He doesn’t realize that his male friends are just as irritated with this whole situation as his female friends are. I sort of take offense to the fact that he thinks I’d be mean to her on purpose, but I suppose I can expect that. I mean, I didn’t like L the first time I met her (but I was the only sober one that night, and I don’t usually take well to being the only sober one in the bunch. I loved her immensely the second time we got together.)
M is an “end result” kind of guy. He doesn’t want to put in the work that is necessary to get from point A to point B. He just wants to jump in a little timewarp spaceship and skip over all the painful post-breakup shit and get straight to happily-ever-after. I wanted to explain to him that this hurts! And it puts J and me in an awkward position if he brings this girl around. How can we lie to our best friend about where we’ve been and what we’ve been doing? Lies of omission are still lies! And how do we tell her that we’ve been hanging out with M and he’s brought new girl around? Then she’s going to want to know everything that she doesn’t need to know and then I won’t be able to tell her because I want to save her heart.
I HATE THE POSITION HE’S PUTTING ALL OF US IN, DAMNIT!!!
no quotes right now….god I’m so mad at him.
Going to dinner with M without new girl. I’ll update later.
I am so incredibly sad and defeated right now.
I’ve been following the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) since the beginning of April, and it advises that you keep up with some gross stuff during your cycle to figure out when you’re most likely fertile. Because I want a baby so bad, I will do almost anything. All of my signs pointed to me ovulating late last week or this weekend. (Except my temperature, which I understand can be pretty crazy before O.)
Yesterday afternoon (after school) I went to the bathroom and was a bit surprised to see that I’d gotten my period–again–a full 10 days before I thought I would. Fantastic.
I called the on-call nurse with my doctor’s office to find out if I should continue taking the Prometrium, and she said to keep taking it as the doctor prescribed through the weekend and see how I was and then call on Monday. I feel like I’m not important since I’m not an obstetric patient. I cried and cried last night, and this morning I don’t feel much better, honestly.
I know that I’m taking a medication that is supposed to help me have a period, but I didn’t think that would happen until AFTER I’d finished taking the medication. I thought that maybe I’d ovulate while taking the medicine and then the period would be nonexistant because I’d get pregnant and this TTC nightmare would be over before it even really began. Nope, not this time.
I am so upset about this. I feel absolutely broken and like I have no control over my own body. I realize that I actually have relatively little control over when and what my body decides to do to me, but this feeling is really stressing me out. Stress is not good for NOT having a period. I’m just terrified that something that I’ve wanted for so long is completely out of my reach. I am terrified that I will never have children.
DH and I are not wealthy people; we both have good salaries, but there’s not much room in our budget for dropping gobs of money on IF treatments. I have dreamed of being a mother my entire life, ever since I was little and I’d play with my baby dolls, and the idea of never having that makes me so incredibly sad. I am also afraid that I don’t have the willpower to stick this out. I’m scared that I will get so discouraged that it will never happen just because I stop believing that it will.
DH and I have these friends who were dating. (L and the breakup were mentioned in a previous entry.) M has already started seeing someone else, and apparently, he was seeing her “as friends” before he told L he “needed some space.” I’m a believer in certain degrees of emotional cheating, and I think M might be guilty. I also don’t think he’s ready to date someone new so soon after his breakup with L even if he did find her before he broke up with L, but I know that’s really none of my business. So, here’s the dilemma:
He already wants to introduce us to the new girl.
When he broke up with L, he changed the dynamic of our group completely. I think we all feel sort of betrayed, albeit not as betrayed as she feels. I hurt for her, and I hurt for the fact that when we all hang out, she isn’t going to be there. She is one of my best friends, and now I can’t hang out with her while DH hangs out with his best friend. It seriously feels like he somehow broke up with us, too.
I’m not ready to meet this new girl yet, and neither is DH, but we don’t want to make M feel bad for the decision he’s made (even though I’d like to REALLY give him a piece of my mind!) because ultimately, it’s his decision to make. If he wasn’t happy with L, then obviously, I don’t want him to stay with her just to keep the group together. However, he doesn’t seem to understand that we all need time to heal from this breakup, not just the two of them.
Also, I can’t imagine what new girl would feel like knowing that the four of us were really close and she’s “replacing” one of my best friends. That has got to be awkward because she has to know that he just got out of a relationship (especially since he met her while he was still with L.) So she has to know we’re not pleased with him right now. He also wants to take her to the same restaurant we took L to the first time we met her, like the place is some sort of initiation joint. It’s almost like he thinks that the sooner we accept her into our group, the faster he can ease his conscience over being such an asshole.
I can be polite and mind the manners my mother gave me, but I don’t want to like this girl, and I’m scared that I will. I feel like, if I like her, I’m betraying L somehow. Also, how do I not tell L that I’ve met new girl (and yes, I will continue to refer to her as “new girl”) when she and I talk several times a week. I cannot lie to my friend, but I do not want her to know that I’ve met new girl because I don’t want to have to discuss new girl with L and put L through that kind of hurt.
So, I’m thinking I don’t want to tell DH that I’m blogging again. At least, not right now. We both used to blog when we first started dating, but that sort of fizzled out soon after. I like the idea of having this blog to share with the “anonymous” internet without DH knowing. I tell him everything anyway, so it’s not like there are secrets I’m keeping from him by posting here, but I just like the idea of being able to write out my feelings here and not have to speak them all the time. Speaking your thoughts can be way more difficult than writing them. There’s no edit feature in real life…