Backseat Tiger

Tuesday was a really great day. The kind of day you want to bottle up and save because it’s all sunshine and rainbows and glitter and even the rougher moments are sort of rosy. I woke up this morning with the memory of yesterday lingering in my heart. I felt light. Happy.

But then I got out of bed.

We made it out the door with no major hiccups except a toddler who wanted to sit on the counter and eat all the fruit. That wasn’t even awful, you know? I wouldn’t want to stop eating allbthe fruit either.

Something happened when we got in the car though. Almost as soon as we dropped Joshua off at school I felt tension creeping in, like a fog that just permeates everything.

I called my mom. My anxiety was growing. (Not because of my mom. She’s a bit of an anchor when I’m feeling untethered.)

Emma asked the same question and received the same answer four times in a row. 

“Where are we going?”

“To visit our new house.”

Traffic was terrible. I hated this side of town in that moment, all of its unfamiliarity and unpredictability despite nearly 8 months of living here. It’s never been the same morning twice, which sounds ridiculous, because of course it hasn’t. No two days are the same, but you know what I mean. One morning it takes me 45 minutes to go 4.5 miles and the next I’m home 10 minutes after I tell Joshua goodbye. It’s maddening. 

Taylor Swift wafted out of the speakers and suddenly it just all felt like too much. Too much confinement. Too much space. Too much traffic and people everywhere and they weren’t even really touching me but I needed them all to go. Away from me. Quickly.

I told my mom I could feel my anxiety building and I didn’t really know why but I had to hang up. I was crazy overwhelmed and nothing about this morning was any different than any other morning except we had an appointment across town and plenty of time to get there. It was so weird how suddenly my mood had shifted once we pulled out of Joshua’s school parking lot.

So I hung up the phone with my mom, turned down the radio, and then I heard Emma chattering behind me, quietly

“…take a deep breath…”

So I did. 

“…and count to four. 1…2…3…4!”

So I did.

And then I was better thanks to Daniel Tiger. 

And Emma.