I’m on the verge of collapse. I’m about two seconds away from calling the doctor and asking for a life time supply of anti-depressants and a tubal ligation.
My child won’t sleep. He’s been up two or three times a night for the past three nights. He took an awful nap on Monday, ZERO nap yesterday and today is looking like a repeat of yesterday. For the second day in a row, he has smeared shit all over his crib instead of taking a nap and for the second day in a row I have found myself not wanting to have any more children and wanting to run away from this one.
Despite the playdates I’ve planned in the mornings, this week has been a complete trainwreck of failure full of shit smearing and tears, both mine and Joshua’s. (The shit was all his, though. Thank God that while I may not be a great mother, I at least know how to shit in the toilet and wipe my own ass.)
Except today I actually cried. Big, giant crocodile tears all while saying “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’m such a bad mother and I’m so sorry you got me.”
Because I am just not good at this.
In fact? I am downright awful at this.
I have no patience for tantrums or shit smearing. I have no tolerance for being slapped out of frustration and having him think punishment is a game. I am tired of waking up two or three times a night and, because we are both at the end of our ropes, giving up and trying to sleep sideways in the chair in his room while the back of my head falls asleep and I dream about goats and New York City. (True dream from this morning.)
There is nothing–absolutely nothing–about motherhood that is natural or easy for me and quite frankly, I suck at things that aren’t natural or easy for me. And right now? I’m just a giant ball of suck and I have nothing left. There’s no more faking it left in me. There’s no more patience. There’s no more peace in my heart.
Maybe I’m too selfish. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I’m just tired of being stuck on toddler-duty 24/7.
Or maybe I’m just tired of life. Period.
This kid deserves so much better than me. So much better.
Tiffany
Monday 1st of August 2011
i think we're the same person....
Kim
Friday 8th of July 2011
OK, deal with one problem at a time, and it sounds like some of the biggies are being dealt with. Let me help you with the *actual* shit. My oldest did this and I about (but not yet, that came later) lost my damn mind. Then I was given this little gem of advice: a onesie, inside out and backwards put on over the clothes. If that doesn't work, sew the bottome closed, cut the neck hole open and put buttons there. Then you slide the little poo-slinger into it, button it up and he can't get it off. And as everybody has said, you don't suck. Duh. ;)
Denise
Thursday 7th of July 2011
I feel like this a lot too. Try not to give into the feelings of sucking. Because you don't. Sometimes circumstances suck and it sucks dealing with them and that makes you feel like you suck but you don't.
jess
Saturday 2nd of July 2011
Honey so sorry! And if you suck, I do too. Thursday was epic. I know people in Academics thought I was ultra bitchy as I made faces and scolded Ava while trying not to cry. The frustration the guilt of yelling and getting upset. It's a lot. But it doesn't mean we are bad mamas and we don't love our kids. We are human and so what, we aren't Sunny Sunshine 24/7, who the hell is?
Jana A
Wednesday 29th of June 2011
You don't suck and are a GREAT mother. You're tired and overwhelmed. He's in a phase and you're over it. That's ok. Do you have anybody that can help you for a few hours?